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Dottie Laing – Already Missed

Allison Laing’s wife Dottie Laing died tonight after a long struggle with illness.
She left this note:

Celebrate my life!
Please do not be sad.
Remember me in fondness.
I have enjoyed my life, and treasure my family and friends.
I am proud of my loved ones, and feel content knowing that a part of me lives on in each of them.
I will always be there each time you smile thinking of the good times we have shared.
It’s been a great life!
– Dottie

She worked for and in the transgender community for many of the 50 years she & Allison were married. She was the kind of woman who smiled at the new wives at Fantasia Fair, and whose smile held a world of wisdom. We’ll miss her very much, & no doubt she will be missed at this year’s Fantasia Fair tremendously.

Do keep both Allison & Dottie in your thoughts & prayers. If you have any memories of Dottie you’d like to share here, please feel free to use the comments section below to do so.

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TransPartner-phobia?

An MTF spectrum person murdered hir wife, & the Nebraska affiliate of ABC that reported it made this comment:

Experts on transgender and cross dressing say it’s unusual for such cases to end in violence, and when they do, it’s usually the cross dresser who is the victim.

& Granted, the phrase “such cases” is incredibly vague, but still, I want to know which experts they interviewed, because in all of the 9 years I have been working in the trans community, I have yet to hear of a case of a non-trans spouse murdering his/her trans spouse. I’m not saying it’s impossible – I’m just saying I’ve never heard of it. If anyone knows of a case, I would like to know about it.

However, there’s the trans woman who killed her husband in Cleveland, and the upstate NY crossdressing doctor who killed his wife, & now this case.

I am not saying that transgender people aren’t victims of violence way too often. They are murdered in hateful ways way too often. However, I have never heard of a trans person who was murdered by their own spouse. Instead they are often murdered by: strangers, johns, dates.

I am also not saying that trans people are homicidal, because they aren’t.

I am also not saying that partners of trans people are saints, by any stretch.

I would just like to know on what evidence this assertion by “experts” was based.

So this pisses me off, since the experts implied that spouses are often the murderers, when/if there is a trans person married to a non-trans person, and as far as I know, there is no evidence whatsoever to back up that assertion.

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Alcohol Poisoning

I’ve been drinking.

Sadly, it was a lot of the same old same old: cursory interest in parent, partner, & children. The kids were adorable. The wife was determined. The father was exhausted.

  • Multiple shots and references to surgery, instead.
  • Trans woman discovers surprising, sudden interest in men.
  • Expresses longing to be mother while wife is pregnant.
  • Voiceover talking about wife meeting her husband for the first time “as a woman” post Thailand, even though the husband had been living in female gender role for a year as per SOC.

Atypical trans documentary bits?

  • Added insult to injury for wife, while trans woman wonders – fleetingly – if she’s married her ex-girlriend if she’d have needed to transition. Fleetingly, stressed by Prince, but goddamn do wives of trans women everywhere hate her for that one. Yeah, thanks, it’s our fault you needed to transition. Do you really think we don’t wish, sometimes, that you’d married your ex-girlfriend, too?!
  • Newly female husband going up telephone pole in gear
  • ”  ”  ” mowing lawn with reference to still “wearing the pants”
  • ‘out of the mouths of babes’ testimony that natal female still does all the parenting and housework
  • bee stings lead to discovering of IS condition which justifies transition. (the years of crossdressing certainly don’t count for shit, right?)

So yeah, I’m drunk.You?

They all seem like reasonably nice people. I hate documentaries about teh trans. Hate ’em. I hate the way our lives our distilled into reverse camera angles and earnest questions across kitchen tables. I hate how the beauty of a trans woman admitting that she still sees her wife the way “he” did is degraded by the “sudden interest” in men. I hate the sad, confused, tendentious quality of trans women’s wives who are obviously overwhelmed with the whole business and still in love with their spouses.

* sigh*

Having been someone who has done shite like this, my only excuse is: it was in my contract. Not that that’s much of an excuse, but you do usually have a clause saying that you will in good faith blah blah blah consent to blah blah blah that will help sell the book. I’m not sure there’s any other reason to do these things anymore, but I hope, for Rene’s sake, & the boys’ sake, & the dad’s & Chloe’s, that this one will be forgotten when it’s Sweeps Week next year or in five years. Not because it’s bad, but because it isn’t. There are things I said and wrote at the time of My Husband Betty that embarass me now, as well as plenty that I”m still happy about. But I wrote a book, so when I”m lucky, you can see its brown spine in the LGBT section of bookstores these days. But a show like this is going to be dredged up at 3am for a few years, and every once too often, Rene and Chloe and her boys and dad will be online at the supermarket / drugstore / in the waiting room / at the doctor’s office / showing up for parent teacher night when someone they’ve never met couldn’t sleep and saw them on the TeeVee. And then, well, then is when you wish you could change your name and move to Timbuktu.

My best to all of them. Can we stop making these now?

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Inconvenient

In response to this last post, I received this short email:

“My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser”

This is where you loose me Helen. You say you don’t use words like “Husband or Wife”….but then you write books using that exact terminology.

Very confusing.

I responded:

I wrote that book 6 years ago. My thinking is surely allowed to change, no?

He responded:

Convenient. No?

& I responded:

Is that how you’d talk to Betty about her decision to transition? That it was “convenient”?

My partner was a self-identified straight drag queen when we met, with a male identity.

She is living as a woman & doing what paperwork she can to reflect that.

One of the reasons I can’t & don’t use “husband” anymore is because people then start using “he” pronouns about my partner. She is not a he. To avoid that, I avoid the gendered terminology that leads to it.

When she had a genderqueer/androgynous presentation, she didn’t mind mixing up the pronouns – as I did in the 2nd book. Now, “he” chafes her, doesn’t fit.

So sue me for having had to make adjustments – especially ones that are entirely out of consideration of my partner’s gender.

Please don’t write back. Your response was rude beyond belief. I shouldn’t be justifying it with a response at all, but I like to give people a fair shake.

If I stop using “husband” then it’s somehow just “convenient” that I’m doing so. Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with my partner’s change in gender! *sigh* I’m having one of those days.

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Divorce Resources

Yes, it’s a depressing thought, but I’ve seen so many of them in the trans community over time that I thought I should share these two articles I found on the topic.

One of called “What Every Married Woman Should Know About Money,” by Carol Mithers and has a bulleted list of 7 items:

  • 1. Carry your own plastic.
  • 2. Read the fine print.
  • 3. Define what’s yours, mine, and ours.
  • 4. Don’t give up bill-paying duties.
  • 5. Get to know your financial advisers.
  • 6. Make plans for the future.
  • 7. Keep your professional hat in the ring.

The other is “What To Do When You Can’t Afford a Divorce” also by Carol Mithers and has this useful bit of advice about credit:

Credit is a different story. “Shred joint cards and get a new one in your own name,” recommends Lisa Decker, an Atlanta-area-based financial analyst specializing in divorce. “It can be hard for a woman to get credit after a divorce, especially if she hasn’t been working. If you have a balance you can’t pay off on existing credit cards, freeze the account so that neither partner can run up the debt further. Also put freezes on home equity so that neither of you can take out a second mortgage or line of credit.”

Not cheery, but still important reading.

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Advocate Screws It Up

JD Freeman of the Alabama Gender Alliance sent me a copy of a letter he wrote to The Advocate:

Dear Editor –

Regarding this article:
http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid90450.asp

Here you have a self-identified transgender person, and you have refused to honor that person’s affirmed gender, making the bigoted editorial choice to call Kimah a man and to apply the masculine pronouns “he” and “him”.

You should know better. How are we to achieve liberation when our own publications mistreat us?

It’s time for me to renew my subscription. Guess you don’t need my money after all.

I’m copying GLAAD. Clearly, you need to re-read their media guide. I’m also copying NCTE and every major trans blog.

You owe Kimah an apology.

J D ‘Ox’ Freeman
President
Alabama Gender Alliance

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TransOhio Conference 2009: August 14-16

I’ll be speaking at TransOhio’s annual conference this year, deliverying both a keynote and doing a workshop about sex & identity.

When: August 14-16, 2009
Where: Columbus, Ohio
What: Lots of cool workshops for trans people, their partners, & allies

You can read the descriptions of my keynote and workshop below the break, but in the meantime check out TransOhio’s conference site for more details.

Continue reading “TransOhio Conference 2009: August 14-16”

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Sexless Marriage

Obviously this NYT article about sex & marriage is written from an incredibly heterocentric perspective, and it’s primarily talking about marriages where the sex started good & disappeared over time, and, in my opinion, it’s unnecessarily pessimistic.

The answer to this question “Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?” is especially reductive. We can’t tell if happy couples are happy because they’re having sex, or if they’re having sex because they’re happy, or even if the two things have anything to do with each other. & I’m suspicious of any self-reporting when it comes to sex, since so many people say they’re having a lot more than they are.

Otherwise, I’m interested in her longitudinal research. I just hope she includes more than heterosexual relationships in her work.

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Marital Biology

This brief but mostly accurate article about Philly-area politics and same sex marriage summarizes the issues of how we define man and woman.

The only problem, of course, is that we do define man and woman legally, and judges can do so when it comes to marriage and divorce. Just because there are more than two sexes when it comes to biological or cultural gender doesn’t mean judges can’t legally define only two. Trans people especially have had their sex defined for them – and usually not in the way they wanted.

So while her argument is valid, and imho, true, it isn’t any kind of protection against having our genders defined legally in ways we don’t like.