In light of the documentary about Chloe Prince that will air tomorrow night, I thought we should all be prepared for what looks like it’s going to be a doozy of a predictable documentary.
So, the rules, such as they are, for watching a trans documentary:
- Putting on makeup. Two drinks for reverse camera shot into mirror.
- Doing anything better done in jeans and sneakers in heels and a skirt. Examples: cleaning the house, shoveling the sidewalk, yard work, walking the dog.
- Before picture shown. Two drinks for picture in stereotypical male mode (sports team, facial hair, military, wedding tux)
- Camera shot putting on or taking off a bra.
- Photo of any wig, breast form, padding, etc.
- Surprise disclosure, when a trans woman is introduced and then partway through the piece, her secret is revealed.
- Camera focus on masculine body parts: hands, feet, Adam’s apple, height, etc.
- Any reference to genital surgery that refers to “becoming a woman” or “finally a woman”
- Minor chords played softly on a piano
- talk show host saying “you go girl”
- any discussion of plumbing or electricity
- black and white childhood shots, MTF with cap gun and cowboy hat, FTM as ballerina.
- Trans woman saying, “I am not a crossdresser. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
- Trans woman clutching large teddy bear in hospital bed.
- Birthday balloons after surgery.
- Trans woman with new boyfriend (after shot of tearful ex-wife).
- Trans woman sitting in chair in above-the-knee skirt, posed so you can see what great gams she has.
- Patient wheeled off to surgery …
- … lingering shot of the hospital bed with the teddy bear (or wife) left behind.
- Shot of protaganist sitting at the computer keyboard, looking at a trans support website or surgeon’s website….
- Any helping professional teaching deportment
- Camera in the operating room – just drink the whole bottle
- Any and all deployments of soft focus = 1 shot
- Close up of dotted lines in magic marker on pale fleshy body parts = 1 shot
- Earnest surgeon describes his motivation as “to help [girlname] become the woman she’s always really felt herself to be” = 3 shots
- Before picture with extreme facial hair – 1 shot
- Before picture in uniform – Military, Football, etc… – 2 shots
- Video from hair removal session : Laser – 1 shot, electrolysis – 2 shots
- Before picture – Last time she wore a dress (F2M) – 1 shots
- Breast binding – 2 shots
- Taking Hormones – Self-injecting -3 shots, orals – 1 shot
- Did anyone mention an arduous and lonely childhood?
- Meeting the school bully as “the new me” at the High School reunion?
- Looking at the old picture of self and saying something to the effect of “he was a nice guy….” or “Ken was a lot of fun, but his time is over. It’s Ginger’s turn now!”
- Trans woman claiming to have IS chromosomal pattern, an affinity for washing dishes, a sudden dislike of sports, etc.
Believe it or not, these are not the most snarky suggestions by some of our mHB board members. Also remember: there are quite a few people who hang out on our boards who have done this kind of media work, including me & Betty, of course, but also Jenny Boylan, amongst others. We need to laugh at ourselves as much as we laugh at the inanity of it all.
Twelve-Steppers should find their own version, of course. Maybe those ice cream poppers? But the point is to feel as physically ill by the end as the drinking crowd.