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Ugh.

ENDA will be voted on tomorrow, without the Baldwin Amendment.

& Apparently the decision to go ahead was based on HRC surveying 500 LGBT people across the country as to whether or not they should go ahead even though transgender people were included.

As if the 500 organizations that already said NOT to go ahead don’t count at all.

What really pisses me off is that this is how the question was worded:

“This proposal would make it illegal to fire gay, lesbian and bisexual workers because of their sexual orientation. This proposal does not include people who are transgender. Would you favor or oppose this proposal moving forward?”

No mention that the Tammy Baldwin variation isn’t just inclusive of transgender identities, but of GENDER IDENTITY. No mention that the inclusive ENDA would also protect gays and lesbians whose genders aren’t normative. That is, no mention of the butches and queens, sissies and bulldaggers. Apparently there to be hung out to dry along with the trans population. So now we can hear that a woman wasn’t fired for being a lesbian, oh no. She was fired because she’s just too masculine, of course.

Feh. Or, as a friend of mine comments when HRC comes up, “You expect anything from an organization that can’t even put GAY in its name?”

(Sources: PageOneQ, Gay.com, The Advocate, The Associated Press)

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So Here’s a Problem

When I introduced the subject of transgender identity to the class, one of my students told a story about a guy he saw when he was out fishing with a friend one day: they were at the end of a pier, fishing, like you do, when a 60-something year old guy got out of his car in a tiny bikini, walked the length of the pier, & then got back in his car & drove away.

& What the student wanted to know was whether or not that was illegal, specifically because there were children around.

In most cases, I explained, it isn’t, unless of course the bikini didn’t cover everything it was supposed to, in which case he was publicly indecent.

But I also thought: it’s a shame that this student’s first encounter with someone (presumably) trans was so sucky & inappropriate. As the student said, there was no issue with a guy wanting to wear a bikini. He just didn’t feel it was appropriate for the person to parade himself, with no attempt at passing, in front of kids, in such skimpy clothes.

Obviously this guy was within his rights, but still: it makes a lousy first impression, especially the lack of concern about his surroundings. It just comes off as kind of pervy & inappropriate.

So, thoughts?

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What They Call Me

The issue of whether or not the term SOFFA (Significant Others, Friends, Family & Allies) is used throughout the trans community to describe people like me came up recently in an online discussion group, so I thought I’d share here a list of the terms that are used. Keep in mind this list is drawn from my own experience online & in person, in co-moderating partner support groups at conferences, & in my various conversations with others “like me” in the trans universe.

Historically speaking, it was pretty apparent especially when I first went online as a trans partner, nine years ago or so, that if I found “SOFFA” support I would be quite on my own as a historically-heterosexual female partner of an emerging MTF, & was often directed to more Tri-Ess type organizations when/if I did find them.

So just for the sake of it, here’s some other terms & the way (in my experience) they breakdown in use:

  • SO – most often used to describe the female partner of a CD or MTF of CDing experience
  • SOFFA – short for “Significant Other, Friend, Family or Ally” and is used  predominantly in the FTM community. (note: it is not pronounced like the furniture, but like the O in hot)
  • partner – seems to be used by both
  • chaser/admirer – again, out of MTF spaces, for (mostly) the guys who date/seek out sex with CDs or pre op/non op MTFs. “chaser” is the pejorative; “admirer” is used when their attention is appreciated by the trans person in question.
  • trans-am(orous), transsensual – terms that come out of the FTM universe, for women who date/seek out sex/relationships with FTMs – often intentionally *not* used by FTMs due to the fetishistic connotation, though I find it’s quite a radical idea to describe women who desire MTFs (there aren’t so many of us, so fetishization doesn’t seem to be an issue!)
  • Of recent coinage, which some partners seem to respond to, is NQAL (pronounced “nickel”)- for Not Quite a Lesbian. Used by those of us who either are lesbians but are with FTMs who are stealth, & also by female partners who are heterosexual but are viewed as lesbians when our MTFs transition/crossdress.

Other notes:

  • One of the reasons I don’t use SOFFA is exactly because lumping together those who date/partner with trans people is already such a mixed bag of people, & because the term can be off-putting to allies who aren’t dating trans people to be seen as only being there for the sexual/romantic partnerships. Also, because there is a big difference between an ally who is trans am & the partner of an MTF or FTM who is transitioning after years of a long term relationship. (The mutual scorn can be palpable.)
  • As support group practice (at least at the LGBT center in manhattan) has dictated, putting the parents/family of trans people in the same room with partners/admirers/trans-am people is pretty disastrous as well.
  • PFLAG’s trans support is referred to as TNET, though I often just use TFLAG (for families of trans).

The good news in all this verbal soup is that there are more & more of us everyday!

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Thanks

To all of you who read me regularly, & all of you who participate/subscribe to the boards, or buy my books, or recommend them: thank you. It’s been a much longer, more chaotic year than I ever expected – it’s become the book tour that won’t end, which is, ultimately, a good thing – and it’s meant a lot for me to hear from so many of you who send me PMs or emails or who comment here.

Ha, it’s nice to know that when my head finally explodes someone will be there to see it.

(That’s going on the idea that my head hasn’t already exploded, & we’ve all failed to notice.)

I had someone write to me recently who hoped I would one day get all the awards & accolades that I deserve, and I’m sure I didn’t get into this for either. But knowing that sometimes something I’ve written has made someone feel a little less crazy, or less ashamed, or less shitty – that’s totally worth it. (Though I will take her wish that I one day score the kind of advances a writer can live on while writing, of course.)

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My Merrimack College Talk

Helen Boyd @ Merrimack College in North Andover, MA

Not Jerry Springer: Gender Expression and Transgender Identities

Touching on her own experience as the partner of a trans person and on her experiences with the mainstream media, Boyd will speak from a feminist perspective about transgender identities and their relative place in the spectrum of gender expression.

Tuesday, November 13
4-5:30 pm in Murray Lounge
Cosponsored by the Women’s and Gender Studies Department

For more information contact Gordene MacKenzie at Sullivan 308, X4278

Directions to Merrimack College

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Providence Found

Betty & I are at a close friends’ wedding this weekend, in Providence, RI. Every time we drive through Providence, one or the other of us comments we could probably like living here. & They’ve got a nice train station, which is my sign of a civilized place.

We’re back on Sunday, only to leave Monday for DC. We’ll return a day later, only to go to LI for the Femme Fever party. I’m starting to feel like a rock star on tour, wondering exactly where I am for the first few minutes after I wake up: “Oh, it’s Thursday, this must be Cleveland.”

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El Dia De Los Muertos

A very happy Day of the Dead (or All Saints’ Day, or All Souls’ Day, depending on your Catholicism).

I’m pleased that one of the student groups has assembled a Muertes altar here at Merrimack, with explanations of the Calaveras (the skeleton/skull figures), the water bowls, the salt, the candy and candles. I love the idea altogether, of throwing a party that your dead loved ones come to as well. It just seems so – civilized.

Now go eat your candy. (The photo is of candy skulls that I found at this UK site about Aztec culture.)