Betty and I spent Thanskgiving Day at my sister and her husband’s house – a place we frequent on a regular basis. I like to joke that our standard of living is brought up significantly by dinners at her place: good food, plentiful wine, deep sofas & a fireplace. It’s lovely.
She had a ridiculous amount of people over for Thanksgiving Day itself: a couple in from SF, CA with their two small children; a couple from DC with their dog; a friend from Tucson and three of his friends; us; them; her acupuncturist & old friend, and another old friend with his friend. I think it was 16, or 18, all told. Which is lovely: being from a big family it just feels right to me to sit at a very long dinner table. My sister’s husband, who’d taken the foot of the table, actually called my sister at the head of it twice during dinner as she otherwise couldn’t hear what he was asking. Amusing.
At some point when people had had a bit to drink, one of the friends of friends kind of plopped herself next to me and Betty on the couch. I knew what was coming. We’d met her before, at a previous party, and she had asked a lot of questions, then, too. I think I even wrote about that incident, when I just got tired of it & kind of ‘ran away’ on some trumped-up excuse.
“So, when you two make love…” she started. She did add the “if you don’t want to answer that’s okay” caveat, but still: not fun. And I realized tonight what’s not-fun about it to me – and that’s the assumption that 1) because we ‘look different’ from others we have some kind of outlandish sex life, 2) that because we look different people actually have the right to ask us about our sex life, and 3) that it was quite possible that any other couple at the dinner had a far kinkier sex life than we do.
At some point, I just returned her “So when you two have sex…” question with “Well how do you two have sex?” The thing is, these questions never get asked in a kind of ‘I’m curious’ way but in a “I’m so normal and you’re so not” kind of way. The funny thing about it was that her husband and she did not strike me as totally normally gendered: she came off as kind of aggressive, bulldog-ish, and he seemed kind of sweet and passive.
I always find it kind of funny that people are so willing to present themselves – to me, of all people – as somehow “normally gendered.” Because if anyone’s going to see anything genderqueer about anyone, I’m a safe bet. I’ll find the residue of an inkling, if it’s there. I’m thinking sometimes I should come with some kind of warning label: Abandon gender certainty, all ye who converse here.
Christmas Presents?
For anyone who might be interested in getting a signed copy of My Husband Betty for a loved one this Christmas, please order one now! I don’t have many in stock (just a short stack piled on a spare bit of shelf over my writing desk!) and because the book is now officially between printings, I may not be able to get more until January.
Known But Not
I’m not sure if anyone knows how weird it is being a public person, if you’re not. I know there are people on the boards and in the larger trans community who are known in their fields, so I’m sure they have a little bit better of an idea of it.
But Betty and I regularly deal with people feeling they know us better than they do. I don’t mind being out or visible or public. But it is an interesting experience, one that requires you to learn new things about how people relate and to notice when people are communicating in a way that has ‘crossed a line.’ The problem is that writing requires a writer to wear her skin as thin as she can, to bleed on the page, as some authors have put it. Some days it can be a little tricky to be thick-skinned (as a public figure) and completely open (in my writing) – simultaneously.
Having been a devoted fan of more than one band when I was a teenager – and currently being a fan of Rufus Wainwright – I understand how people have a sense of “me.” I also know now that anything I think I “know” about someone public is probably mostly wrong, or a part of the truth.
Anyone who knows me personally knows that I hate having my looks discussed. It’s not because I don’t think I’m pretty or any self-esteem issue like that; it’s just that I don’t think it’s worth discussing. I look like what I look like: nothing more, nothing less. Some people find me attractive, others don’t, but mostly I’m pretty content with my lot in that department. But at the same time it just seems odd for people who don’t know me to talk about what I look like. Talk about my ideas, my writing, my lectures and workshops – of course. Those are things I work on, that I care about, that I actually like feedback about. But my looks? Pah.
But who am I kidding? In a community where both passability and prettiness count for something, I’d be fooling myself to think I’d be left out of the self- and other- scrutiny in the looks department.
And yet – and yet: I would rather be left out, please.
Happy Thanksgiving
Endymion is never, ever full, and he’s never met anything edible he wouldn’t eat (including some things he shouldn’t have).
So eat up, folks – and have a very very happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Birthday to Virginia Prince
A very happy birthday to Virginia Prince, who is turning 93 this year.
Wonky Boards
For whatever reason, the message boards are loading slow, people are getting database errors, and their performance is generally not so hot.
Just so you know: it’s not you, and switching browsers will not help!
We’ve got calls in to our hosts, and hopefully we’ll get some answers shortly. Better yet that the problem will just go away.
Five Questions With… Gina Lance
Gina Lance is the former publisher of Girl Talk
Magazine, current producer of TGLife.com, and too fabulous for words.
< Helen with much shorter hair, and Gina in all her nearly 5’11” glory.
1) As a public person, does “being Gina Lance” ever get in the way of your life?
First of all Helen, thank you for asking me to participate in your ‘infamous’ Five Questions! As far as being recognized as Gina Lance, it’s very flattering to be noticed for the work you have done. When I had a local crossdressing television talk show in Los Angeles back in 1997, I realized how many people were watching because they approached me wherever I was. After I launched GIRL TALK Magazine, it just exploded. I’ve had people too numerous to mention tell me everything from I saved their lives, to I was the one responsible for getting them out of the closet. It’s very heartwarming and I do appreciate it.
As far as the downside of being Gina Lance it’s mostly comical. I’ve been cornered by people who wanted to talk to me (very flattering!) for almost an hour on my way into a nightclub in Los Angeles. I love meeting people but one girl had to even pull her blouse up and show me her new breasts. She said I had inspired her and given her the confidence to get them. Somehow, I don’t remember writing/suggesting that. I’ve had people tell me everything from they’re on hormones to they’re getting their sex change because of me. So I’m usually very careful what I write about now; I see myself as a transgendered ambassador of good will, not a physician!
One of the former GIRL TALK covergirls, Jillian Diamond, looks like my younger, shorter daughter, but she is occasionally mistaken for me by people who don’t know us. I think the funniest thing was when some girl called her a ‘bitch’ for not using her as a covergirl, thinking she was me.
All in all though, I love being Gina Lance. But I also love being my male self and I think that’s very important in keeping me balanced. My wife, KC, loves both of me which is fantastic. Although we steal each other’s makeup occasionally. In male mode I just don’t tell everyone who I am and love being anonymous sometimes – it gives me a break to clear my mind. I recently chatted with Cassandra Peterson who people know as Elvira and we both agreed it is great to go unrecognized when you want to. It gives you some time to relax.
Continue reading “Five Questions With… Gina Lance”
Times Five
Well, it’s official: the fifth printing of My Husband Betty has now been ordered, and will show up in warehouses around the first years of 2006. That’s five printings in two years, pretty much.
Thanks, all.
Our Little Nest
My hand is in the picture for size comparison purposes, of course, but isn’t that a beautiful ring, too?
Since we couldn’t access a lot of websites today, Betty and I ended up catching up on a ton of chores we needed to do, one of which was to take out the air conditioner. Yes, we’re way late, but really – it was pretty warm in NYC until like a week ago.
Anyway, we finally took it out, cats carefully locked in one room while we pulled it out of the window, and what did our wondering eyes descry? That nest we entirely forgot about. It made the cats nuts this spring – the birds scritching and peeping right there but entirely out of reach. Now we’ve put it in a box in hope that we might do something cool & groovy with it, though I don’t know what.
Two questions for all you, then:
1) What do we do with it? Art projects type, do let us know.
2) What kind of birds were they? We never even got to see them. Can anyone tell just from what the nest looks like?
It is an engineering marvel, to be sure. We’re thinking now we may even use it to fashion the inside of a bird house, because it’s amazingly, solidly, built. That way it’ll make some birds a good home again next year, too.
Reproductive Rights
Nerve seems to be getting a little hipper these days: after that cool special they did on bisexuality (in response to His Idiocy’s Recent Study), they’ve currently got a Reproductive Rights special issue up (because we can’t all be having all this fabulous sex without preventing pregnancy, you know?).
Not bad. Maybe someday they’ll review my book, even.