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Control Freak

I decided recently that Law & Order is satisfying in some deep, weird way: like it’s evidence that there’s order in the world even when you don’t have any sense of it in your own.

I was never ever interested in these shows until after I developed PTSD, which is why my conclusion. Some nights I can’t take watching, but I watch anyway; it feels nearly compulsive, good & bad for me at the same time. Good because there is always something satisfying about plot-driven procedurals and bad because it’s a reminder of all the ways you can die.

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Borders in Albany

Here are a couple of photos from the Borders reading up in Albany:

<<< the first of me with a nice display of She’s Not the Man I Married

& the second of us with a bunch >> of friends (& a Harry Potter poster): from left to right: Betty, me, Hawk Stone, Tristan, & Colten.

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Stardust Star Power

The previews for the movie version of Neil Gaiman’s Stardust are showing up on TV now, and I’m nervous & excited about seeing the movie. I love the book – it’s the perfect kind of fractured fairy tale, with a star falling out of the sky only to say “Oh shit,” when she hits the ground. But I’m not really thrilled with all the Big Names appearing in it, but – apparently that sort of thing is what helps a film like this get made at all.

Fingers crossed.

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Princess Amygdala

How do we know with transness that there isn’t just something in the brain that’s mistaken? I don’t mean that in a bad way. I say that from the position of someone whose body was gender variant due to a hormone imbalance. When I see people’s before/after photos, I see FTMs who are physically quite feminine (i.e., normatively physically gendered), with no excess body hair, few large jaws or big hands, who get regular periods, etc. Likewise with MTFs: pre transition can be quite masculine, with very male skeletal structures, musculatures, a lot of body hair. I see such externally “gender normative” bodies I’m even jealous, though of course there are trans people whose bodies are gender variant, in various ways, too, who have ovaries or testicles that don’t function right, or make too much of the “wrong” hormone, etc.

It’d certainly be simpler if trans people all had physical evidence of their gender variance but obviously that’s not the case. All people who have physically gender variant bodies due to hormone imbalance are not trans, either, of course. But when I read that a lot of FTMs have PCOS like me, that makes perfect sense. Or when MTFs have gynecomastia or no body hair. Continue reading “Princess Amygdala”

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Gone Betty Gone

Well now I’ve got one big fat reason NOT to be cheerful: Betty has left town to do a job upstate & will be gone all week. We see each other for the weekend & then she’s gone for a whole other week.

Feh. 

I miss her so quickly it almost surprises me, but I feel bad too for little Aurora, who is Betty’s shadow and nap companion. Hopefully I’ll keep myself from being too depressed & will instead just get a lot done.

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Reasons to be Cheerful, Pt. 6

There’s a nutty little song by the late Ian Dury (& his Blockheads) called “Reasons to be Cheerful” that’s basically a list of the smaller things that, when you think of them, might encourage you to get out of bed in the morning.

I thought it might be appropriate for me to make my own list, since as of today, we’ve been married for six years, and I’m in a good mood, & feeling grateful for a bunch of things in my life.

  1. Aurora, sweet as pie, trying to con me out of a piece of cheese when I go to get the milk for my tea
  2. Songs like “Reasons to be Cheerful” but also “Birds Fly” by Icicle Works, or “Right Here, Right Now” by Jesus Jones, or “Hot Love” by T. Rex = worth endless listens that always make me happy
  3. The Bangladeshi guy who runs the grocery on our corner who’s probably been hipper about Betty’s transness than just about anyone
  4. Watching my friend Doug watch Rufus in concert
  5. Getting emails from people I can help
  6. My dad’s dumb jokes
  7. Keith Olbermann
  8. Dumb cat videos on YouTube
  9. Betty, of course, in all her various forms, but especially when she’s just wearing socks
  10. The Elephant Sanctuary (who prove something good can & does exist in the world)
  11. ice cream
  12. the French (who are, in general, vastly under-appreciated in America at least)
  13. my earth shoes
  14. tea. earl gray. hot.
  15. & on the same note: Clive Staples Lewis, Neil Gaiman, Jane Langton, & Rod Serling, for telling the tales that have shaped my life. (There are a few others, but you get the picture.)

So now, go make a list of just a few things that make you happy while you’re listening to these songs that always lighten my mood. Continue reading “Reasons to be Cheerful, Pt. 6”