Actress Cornelia Otis Skinner said, Woman’s virtue is man’s greatest invention. That phrase is both true and telling: everyday men and women both carry the heavy load and pay the cost for this retrograde notion of virtue. Female sexual agency remains a contentious subject that sparks fierce debate and displays of moral outrage, bigotry, and murderous violence. Our culture continues to punish women for their sexuality, from woman-on-woman slut shaming, to continuing attempts by local, state, and federal government agencies to limit access to effective family planning. Our country’s honor killings–ranging from the murder of abortion providers to the killing of a partner in a fit of jealous If-I-cant-have-you-then-nobody-can-have-you! rage–are almost always connected to women’s sexual autonomy and/or health.
This is a great short article on the ambiguities of sex as expressed by humans, mammals, fish and various other creatures, and covers topics like chromosomal variety, embryonic sex determination, and reproductive strategies. It’s a nice Sex 101 – and by that I don’t mean sex as in f*cking, but sex as in male/female. A lot of reasonably smart and educated people seem to think that gender is variable but sex is “natural” and binary when in fact that’s not nearly as true either.
You’ve had your turkey. Now get your learning back on.
I’ve always been a fan of Buck Angel’s – because he comes from an industry where genitals couldn’t be more important (porn) and yet he managed to make having a vagina work, and that as a person who is undoubtedly male. He also did the first trans-on-trans porn, with Alannah Starr, waaaaay back in 2005, and taught an entire porn crew how not to stutter when saying “her penis” and “his vagina”.
Jezebel has compiled the 10 worst “BDSM” suggestions made by Cosmo, and, um, I’d like to know what exactly is kinky about sticking your finger in someone’s mouth & ordering him to suck it. Is it because you’re ordering and not asking, or suggesting coyly, or whatever non-kink version of a similar scenario Cosmo might recommend? Or is it somehow kinky just to penetrate your male partner & not the other way around? I don’t know. I have lost track of how tepid people have sex, and I thank my lucky stars for that.
Honestly, I’m not sure if it gives me a headache or amuses me greatly to think of the crazy awkward scenes happening in bedrooms across America because of those fifty shades of goofy. Just, um, make sure you have the key to the handcuffs FIRST, don’t draw blood, and um, maybe remember that most of us have day jobs we have to sit at desks to do. (Although a day of uncomfortable sitting can be a lovely reminder of what went on the night before.)
& Honestly, leave the utensils in the kitchen where they belong. Except the slatted spoons: those things really sting.
You don’t have to like Cosmo to have admired Helen Gurley Brown. You only have to appreciate how rare her voice was at the time it appeared: Sex and the Single Girl came out a year before The Feminine Mystique.
I found a blog of men’s letters about their experiences going to strip clubs – some stories of first times, or lifelong membership, but others try to explain the why of going.
Its unfair to say that all women in strip clubs are weak pawns in a male dominated world, some entries here suggest the opposite, but it was true of this place. I went to a strip club to prove to the world I was a man, maybe I did but as the brother to 3 sisters I don’t think I can justify it on the basis of my self esteem again. I’m pretty bad with women but I prefer rejection to guilt.
While most Feminist would say that a strip clubs demean and objectify women, I believe any woman who has the ultimate control in this situation, really, has the upper hand. Does it bring them self confidence? Perhaps this is just a slimy justification on my part. I imagine most women dance; not because they enjoy it, but because they have to feed their families or something else. This is the cold reality of strip clubs but I prefer to think they dance for the pleasure of making me poorer. Regardless of what I think; I will pass along my Benjamin’s, and when that Benjamin is passed along there is always that look in the girl’s eyes that says I got you sucker…
You pay a fee. For this a naked girl sits on your lap and listens.
It’s ludicrous. I’m forty, drive a Cadillac, have traveled the world and am fully clothed. The girl is half my age, drove her mothers Hyundai to work, hasn’t been out of the state since a trip to Disney World when she was ten and is stark naked.
But she listens for a bit and all is right with the world. That’s why I go.
I’m going to have a hard time not staying up all night reading it.
21. Take a pearl necklace and “…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.” Just don’t tell Mother. She’s still cross about the time she caught you rimming the good china.
23. “Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.” Here’s a second take on that one: don’t try facial intercourse.
31. “Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.” Did you know that ladies love chocolate?
Great: now I can’t get the visual of someone sticking their penis into a jar of Nutella out of my head.
7. “Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men.”
I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay.
“We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. If these don’t skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don’t know what will.”
I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow “drowning in drool” slipped right by me. However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. Bernards.
16. “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.”
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?
35. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.’”
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”
She was speaking out against a bill that would limit abortions.
“Finally, Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no,’” Brown said Wednesday.
You really have to wonder about a group of lawmakers who are so uncomfortable with women’s bodies that they can’t abide the word “vagina” but who feel comfortable telling women what to do with their bodies.
I strongly recommend a filibuster with The Vagina Monologues.
For pride month, I thought it might be cool to put up some of my favorite internet queer; although I’ve got links in the right column of this site, I haven’t always said something about the site.
So first up is the Sugarbutch Chronicles, which are, according to author Sinclair Sexsmith, “an online writing project (aka “blog”) which explores sovereignty, healing, and communication through the personal examinations of sex, gender, and relationships, while celebrating queer sexuality, gender, culture, and identity in ways that are expansive rather than restrictive, liberating rather than limiting.”
You can read more about Sexsmith, of course, but the reason I thought to post about Sugarbutch was this hot little story about the 3-minute game. Some of Sexsmith’s stories get a lot heavier than this one – which you’d expect from a self-described “kinky queer butch top” – but this one was just so sweet, wasn’t it? It might be a nice way to indulge your partner’s desire for something you don’t always love doing, or to suggest something you’ve always wanted to feel but haven’t ever asked for.
We both have stories in Tristan Taormino’s Take Me There, which just happened to win itself a Lambda Literary Award (or Lammy) for best trans fiction.
Today my friend Tristan Taormino’s Radio Show airs for the first time! 5 pm Pacific Time, 8 pm Eastern Time.
Sex Out Loud explores the world of sexuality from every angle. Tristan Taormino will interview leading authors, educators, artists and icons and give listeners an uncensored, inside look at alternative sexual practices and communities. She’ll delve into topics from the popular to the taboo, including sex education and sexual health, erotic fantasies, BDSM, non-monogamy, the adult industry, and more. Tristan and her guests will also answer listeners’ questions live. Her first guest will be Dan Savage, sex advice columnist, author, co-creator of the “It Gets Better” campaign, and star of MTV’s “Savage U.” Upcoming guests include Kate Bornstein, Buck Angel, Jaclyn Friedman, Jessica Valenti, Bobbi Starr, Susie Bright, and her daughter, Aretha Bright. More→
Which, well of course: women have to be beautiful to be considered talented, but if beautiful have to work against type to be considered smart, or artistic.
Yet there is this long, long history of treating young black men as a stereotype too, of the young black buck: known for their bodies, and brawn; assumed to be hung, sexually provocative and yet also sexually and physically objectified. In a culture where well hung or athletic or both is often also assumed to mean small brained, or non/anti-intellectual, young black men are up against a lot of stereotypes women are up against as well. Both too are demonized for their apparent sexuality: women for having any, and black men for having their assumed and expected expertise “threaten” white men’s power and self-image.
So in a sense he wasn’t treated like a woman at all; he was treated as many young black men are treated, and have been: expected to be nothing more than their physical, sexualized, and objectified bodies.
Today, for my 43rd birthday, and on Mother’s Day to boot, I’ll be speaking at Appleton’s first Slutwalk. Here’s a preview of what I’m planning on saying:
Thank you so much, VDAY, for having the ovarios to put on this event here in Appleton.
For those of you who don’t know, Slutwalk began only last year in April, in Toronto, when a police officer admitted that he was told he wasn’t supposed to say that women shouldn’t dress like sluts so as not to be victimized. And by that, he meant they should dress in ways that hid their bodies in ways our misogynist, sex-obsessed culture would find acceptable. Aside from the impossibility of being able to decide what “dressing like a slut” means in any culture, he put together the idea that somehow women’s bodies are at fault for the violence and slut shaming perpetrated against them.
They are not.
Women’s bodies are beautiful and should be seen, and in a culture that had its act together – on both violence and sexuality – police officers wouldn’t say such stupid things. Mind you: he wasn’t trying to be hateful. His words, no doubt, came out of something like compassion for the women who he had seen victimized while doing his job. He wanted – like so many of us do – to keep women safe from sexual assault, from trauma, from fear.
But what many men don’t know is that it’s not what kind of clothing a woman’s body wears that has anything to do with it. It’s what a woman’s body IS that causes us all these troubles: bodies full of desire, desiring, desired; bodies of curves and straight lines and freckles and hair. Bodies of skin and fat and muscle and bone; bodies of organs, of hearts and brains and cervixes.
What I love is that every day of my life I can wake up & say that I was born with the one body part whose only use is pleasure. But if you think about it, which parts of us aren’t? Brains, hair, hands, hearts, breasts, legs, feet and elbows – the skin itself is about pleasure. Freud had this theory that we were all polymorphously perverse – meaning that when we’re born, we’re so awash in the pleasure of having a body that every touch, ever breeze, brings us rolling waves of pleasure and that the process of getting older is learning to move some of that sensitivity to a few precious locations – mostly so, as he figured it, we were going to get anything done at all. And so our nerves, so adept at finding pleasure, became located in our nipples and tongues, our fingers and toes, the backs of knees and the backs of our necks, our lips – both sets of lips - and of course in our genitals too. And somehow we managed to stop touching our selves long enough to write books and build buildings.
But women are a kind of warm, breathing repository of all of that pleasure, and it’s hard not to see, especially not in spring. Our sexual selves come out of hiding in the spring, and so our clothes come off – even here in Wisconsin, where “spring” and “warm” are not always the same thing – because we feel the joy of having bodies, of desiring and being desired. More→