Advantages of Having a Crossdressing Husband:

None, as far as I can tell.

Someone posted this ‘wish list‘ (or this one, or this one) of the good things about having a CD for a husband, and I mentioned how it was this kind of article that bothered me so much way back when. Ironic or not, I was about 300% more positive about having a CD for a husband than most of the women I met online too.

But this list, I suspect, was written by a CD, not a wife, or maybe it was written by a very cheerlead-y wife in an optimistic mood. (If anyone has any info on the actual origin/writer of this piece, I’d love to hear it.)

While I think it’s an advantage to have a considerate, gentle, domesticated husband, conflating one with the other is a mistake. I know considerate, gentle, domesticated men who are husbands who are not CDs. I have met CDs who are insensitive, beer-cracking, remote-stealing boors. And while I know that many CDs feel that their desire to be feminine makes them – well, more feminine – I’m not sure that CDing has anything whatsoever with how nice a man is, or how nurturing he is.

What I think CDing *can* do for a man is bring along the kind of crisis that forces a man to dig deeper into himself, to think hard about difficult issues of identity, and to think about who he wants to be, and how. Likewise, for a couple, that same kind of crisis can open new pathways: to conversation, to the meaning of trust, and to a reconsideration of expected gender roles and even sexuality.

But it doesn’t do any of those things automatically, by any stretch. It requires a great deal of integrity, responsibility and sheer nerve to face this stuff and deal with it in a way that isn’t destructive to self or family. And someone capable of that is not a “good man” nor a “good CD” but really just a good partner, spouse, parent, or child.

43 Replies to “Advantages of Having a Crossdressing Husband:”

  1. I am married to a cross dresser, so I know first hand how this can wreck a marriage and family, and cause heartache for both spouses. I also know of several other women who are in turmoil because of their husband’s actions. I will never believe or accept that this is okay. I know the pain firsthand and observe the pain in my husband.

    A woman wants a man to be her husband. I am not willing to share my husband with another man or woman. The crossdresser is unhappy, because cross-dressing brings happiness only in the moment and not true internal happiness. Not to mention all the other problems associated with this addiction and sickness.

    If the men are going to start coming out of the closet, then the wives of cross-dressers will also have to come out of the closet, and let the world know their PAIN.

  2. I don’t know what to think abut this whole thing! I think a woman wants to feel secure with her man, and being with a man who is obviously not completly hapy with who “he” is, well how can he put in the effort it takes to make you happy? He’s going to be to bust trying to fulfill some void he feels in his life, where does another person fit in here?

  3. I think the only people who have problems with cross-dressing are those who consider it to be more than simply a means of self-expression or a desire to don soft and pretty things. Doesn’t make anybody more or less of a man (or woman) – it is simply part of their authentic self. My wife loves me just the same whether I am in jeans or a dress, and the dressing simply isn’t an issue, because we simply don’t make it one. It just happens to be what I am wearing at the time. What baffles us is why most people make such a big deal about it. I mean, women can wear pants and nobody blinks, yet put a man in a skirt and people start writing blogs about it. Seems the problem is not rooted with the individual, but rather with the perception of what cross-dressing must mean. Whomever said that cross-dressing brings happiness only in the moment is ill-informed or doesn’t understand the root of the issue (at least for some). For me, at least, cross-dressing is simply a part of my authentic self, and without that outlet of expression, I am miserable. Imagine if you lived to sing, but were not allowed to. Wouldn’t a part of you simply die inside? I can’t think of anything more harmless than putting on a dress. And if it bothers people, well then I know it is a personal issue for them that they need to look at. Stop making it the cross-dresser’s problem!

  4. it’d be nice if your situation were always the case, but it’s not. most of the time the crossdresser makes it the crossdresser’s problem – by not telling his future wife about it, by not owning up, by sneaking around online, by considering transition, by looking for other CDs to play with sexually… you name it, & i’ve heard it.

    & no – none of those things are about the crossdressing per se, but they’re not just bizarre coincidences, either.

    when/if it is only a means of self-expression, that’s great. i never had a problem with betty crossdressing until the prospect of transition reared its ugly head. other women are the same – until… that is, until something else becomes a problem.

  5. Since I do not know your work or your stance, perhaps I overstepped in my initial comments. I completely agree that honesty is key – one has to be honest to honor their mate as well as themselves. I learned that lesson after my first relationship. As a cross-dresser, there is a tremendous amount of shame and fear associated with being a cross-dresser – especially when the cross-dresser doesn’t understand what he is discovering. It is not easy to be honest with others when in a space of shame or denial. I’m not taking sides here, only pointing out the pressures that cross-dressers face. It is easy to understand why they hide it, although it is not an action that is respectful of a relationship. Life is a discovery process, and gender issues or even “simple” cross-dressing issues, are a difficult self-discovery to contend with. And until one comes to terms with their authentic truth, there will be heartache and disappoinment. If society in general would ease its oppression regarding cross-dressing and gender issues, it would be easier for those afflicted to feel comfortable enough to come right out and say this is who I am. Men also do not generally have the same emotional support while growing up than women have, compounding the situation, since many are not equipped with the “tools” to interpret, confront, accept and finally come to terms with what they are feeling. It can be a long, hard road for everyone involved. I was fortunate enough to find that strength relatively early in my life.

  6. My stance. That’s a good way to put it. I love crossdressers – that’s my stance. I think most of you have suffered with stuff that you shouldn’t have had to suffer with because our culture is generally idiotic about gender and sexuality. And that goes doubly because you were raised male.

    So, that’s my stance. As a partner – and as a partner-advocate, as it were – I don’t think that justifies crappy behavior on the part of CDs, and I get the feeling you don’t think it does, either. It makes it more understandable, but it doesn’t necessarily solve the problems, especially when the CD is married.

    I have a lot of other caveats and varieties of my basic stance, but that’s why I wrote a 300+ page book. 🙂

  7. Sounds like your book is worth reading! 🙂 I’ll have to check it out. Cross-dressing or not, I think crappy behavior is…well… crappy. I have attended support groups and clubs, etc., for cross-dressers and was often disenchanted by the behavior of many other cross-dressers. My wife tells me I am, in some ways, more like a woman than a man, and I have always preferred the company of women over men, and it just seemed like a lot of the cross-dressers – even though they got all dressed up – still behaved a lot like men. Subsequently, I feel out of place with those groups and no longer attend (except maybe for an occasional Halloween party). Anyway, I don’t want to get into anything resembling male bashing (after all, I am one, and I enjoy many things about being one), but perhaps the crappy behavior – at its core – is more male-centric than cross-dresser-centric… if that makes any sense. Seems like there’s plenty of “regular guys” out there doing damage to relationships, and they all could learn to be more respectful. That’s my stance. 😉

  8. Hi Helen,
    I wanted to comment here. I am a m-f transgendered person and you are sooo right about cd’s acting, well, just plain assinine. I have chatted with other cd’s online and to tell you the truth a lot of them sound like they are mentally ill. They talk about sex constantly, and they see themselves as something they are not. They think they look good but they look hideous. I’m not saying all cd’s are like this ’cause they are not. I am just saying that there are cd’s out there that I just don’t enjoy talking to. I have many blocked from messenger. It kinda ruins it for those of us that do act in a sane manner. We have to face society that already prejudges us and then we have cd’s like I was talking about justifying how society already sees us.
    I just had to put my 2 cents in.

  9. I’m a cross-dresser (I guess). I don’t belong to any clubs, I don’t attend any ‘nights’ and I don’t contribute to any internet lists. But I’m a couple of glasses down, my wife is on the phone to her sister (for the past hour) and I drifted into this page. And felt the need to contribute something. I even did the ‘registration’ thing so I could submit my comment. ‘Xcept I don’t know what my comment is.

    I’m a straight, married with kids, cross-dresser. I like to refer to myself as a ‘recreational’ cross-dresser. I don’t go on marches, I don’t want a sex-change, I’m not ‘confused’, bi-sexual etc and I don’t have an alternative name. And I adore my wife.

    I told my wife that I liked to dress in women’s clothes before I proposed to her. Apparently I didn’t make myself clear enough (it turns out) because she assumed I meant that I liked to squeeze myself into a pair of knickers once in a while as some sort of sexual potato-skins-before-the-pizza and she’s been discovering to her mounting horror over the past 15 years of marriage that there’s a bit more to it – which is… I like (sometimes) to actually look like a woman. And – damn it – I like to look like a good-looking woman too.

    I don’t want to attract a man because I’m not gay or bi. I don’t act particularly camp when I’m dressed up either, for the same reason. In fact, I’m a bit of a flirt when I’m in bloke-mode and I don’t feel any different when I’m done up in heels etc. However, the dear old other half seems to think I’m danny la bloody rue as soon as I look at a wardrobe and that’s why I’m giving some input now.

    I have always tried to understand my wife’s feelings about all this; I know I will never succeed because – hey – I’m not a woman. All I can say is that I appreciate it’s tough for the other half. It must be – because my wife is heaven on a stick in every other way; she’s just unable to be the same about This One Thing. After all these years she still doesn’t want to be in the house when I’m dressed up. I feel pissed off because I want the chance to show her I’m still the interesting, funny, funky guy she fell in love with even when I’m in a skirt. She doesn’t want to know.

    But I can see it’s more than what I’m wearing. There’s something fundamental – almost genetic – going on that makes it it really hard for her to see past the appearance. For one thing, I suspect I’m kind of intimidating – ok, not in looks obviously, but in terms of ‘things you can rely on to define your identity’. In other words, my wife gets pissed off if we’re in a shop looking at bras and (a) I’m checking bra x that suits me or even worse (b) I’m telling her that bra x isn’t going to suit her… or (a) she’s standing right there when I’m wanting to buy a particular make-up product or even worse (b) I’m telling her to buy a particular make-up product… I mean hey – she’s been doing this stuff since she was 13 and I come along out of nowhere and think I can give lessons on make-up and foundation wear.

    Traditional men are supposed to know how to fix a shelf to the wall but not know what colour to paint it once it’s up there. Trannies cross this line, giving ourselves more territory but not giving corresponding extra space to our other halves – because there is no extra space to give them! We’re invading their thing but there’s nothing for them to have in return. We shouldn’t fool ourselves that there’s anything cool for the wives in being able to chat about make-up, clothes and stuff with their husbands – they get nothing out of it at all. Wives want to be different and measure that difference against their husbands.

    Ah, then there’s the kids. When they were tiny, my wife felt we had to conceal every possible sign of ‘un-natural behaviour’ because – well, because it was un-natural. Now my daughter is nearly a teenager my wife feels we have to conceal every etc etc because my daughter’s at a delicate age. I confidently expect that when my daughter is grown up we’ll have conceal every sign because of some other completely convincing reason. Because of of the kids, I get to dress up about three time a year…

    The question my wife asks most often when The Subject comes up is “Why?”. As in, why should you care what your nails look like; why should you care if your hair is dry/frizzy/greasy/dull/short/long/dark/light/there/not there at all; why should you want to have smooth skin; why should you want to look good naked; why should you care what you look like at all? As in, you’re a BLOKE for god’s sake, you’re not supposed to care about those things!

    Well, I could produce an answer by saying I’m ‘metro’ – one of the new breed of men that cares about his appearance. However, if we really lived in a world where all people, men and women, could look however they liked and wear whatever they liked I’d feel… well I’d feel like everything had been spoiled for me. What I do is wrong, wrong wrong – and that’s the way it should be. I’m reasonably good at it and getting better all the time but I’m not stupid enough to claim it’s right and proper. I’m just trying to find a way to be in a mini skirt and heels and still seduce my gorgeous wife. Keep listening; keep learning; keep dreaming…keep caring.

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  11. I have been searching the web for women who are married to crossdressers who feel the same as I. I have only seen sights with such inspirations as,”enjoy their feminine side” and such and that disgusts me. There have seen to be some comments here that I agree with. I am not trying to offend anyone with my feelings but that are just that my feelings. I have been married for 10 years to a very good looking, athletic (college football star), and the father of my twin 4 yr. old boys. I am begging for someone to help me. I share this information in hopes someone can spread some light on my situation- once again not to offend another. My husband is a liar, has lied to me for 11 yrs. since I have met him. I have cried, begged, threatened, pleaded, cussed, with this man to please quit hurting me and it is just time for another slap in the face. My husband dresses in my clothes, my daughers clothes, clothes he sneaks and buys. He also involves fake breast, make up, fingernails, high heel shoes and wigs. This of course has always been done with me nothing anything about it until he was recently caught and then he confessed. We have however spent the last 9 years fighting with him because he was masturbating all the time in all areas of our home.

    What I didnt realize is it was to the thought or picutre of a women (but not the women but her clothing that arroused him). I thought once the boys were born he would stop-plus you must remember I really didnt know what was going on and he always made me feel bad saying all guys masterbate….well maybe ….but all guys do not put on their wifes pantyhose and masterbate, all buys do not wake up at 3 in the morning when sleeping on pullout with boys and masterbate ..wipe their hands off and crawl back into bed with his precious boys……

    My husband not only dresses as a women but he sticks poles, bar stool legs, hot dogs, tampons, and thing he can use and injects it into his rectum playing a role of a women.

    I am sorry but I am disgusted with this person. I hate him for what he has done to our marriage. He lies all the time, he also gets a thrill from the sneaking behavior…..

    I need someone to talk too…I am dieing…I am angry..I say horrible things to this man…who I dont trust, can not depend on, do not respect, and the feel of his hands near me makes me want to vomit….

    I am asking someone please to shine a light on this for me please….When I ask him why he does this…….i get…I dont know!!!!!! Please help me…my soul is dead…thank you

  12. I figured on posting here for some feedback, but after reading some of the horror stories I feel awful.

    I am a man who dresses in women’s clothes. That isn’t easy to even type. My wife knew this side of me before we were married. We have children, who know nothing about this and never will. My wife actually liked this side of me. She was not attracted to me because of it, but feels that it makes me someone more understanding that she can talk to about anything as well as her secure life partner. My wife is a bit dominant in her behavior. She is very bright, very giving and likes the fact that I am a bit submissive in my behavior. I like the fact she takes charge. That doesn’t mean I’m not there for her and can’t take charge myself, but she likes to run the finances and make me lists of things she wants done, and I don’t mind. I love my wife, only my wife, and am very secure in my heterosexual nature. She actually started to promote “feminizing” (her phrase) in our relationship since she felt it gave her more control. She had been sexually abused as a child by her parent and feels that this makes her more comfortable around a man. I am not a someone that looks like a guy in a wig, or a drag queen. My features and build are feminine, which is something I have struggled with my whole life. I sometimes wish I was a brute kind of man’s man. In her opinion, I make a better looking woman. I do the house work, I cook and do everything I can around the house along with my job to show her that I love her. She seems to appreciate this and always tells me so. I do feel guilty about who I am, and there are times my wife will tease me about wanting a real man. If nothing else, please don’t group all men that have a feminine side together. I’m sure there are some real jerks out there that put on women’s clothes, but there is more to this than just the clothes.

  13. I’ve read most of the comments and have lived most of them. I’m a closet crossdresser that enjoys sharing my most inner thoughts and feelings with my wife. In the beginning all was fun and games. I was told once that a man marries a woman hoping she will never change and a woman marries a man trying to change him. I personally find this true. I feel that woman wants to be accepted in every aspect of a mans world and has in the majority recieved that right. She is head of departments, announcers at football games, heads of state, in the public world many times men take a back seat to their wifes career. Also they dress any way they like from suits to mini skirts, they cut their hair in bobs to flowing locks, they wear or choose not to wear sexy undergarments. In short their is no box for a woman. Men in the most envy them but somein different ways.
    Coming out of a generation that most men were raised by their moms, we respect them and realize how strong they are. Their femininity is admired and their appearance is breathtaking wiether they are in jeans with a cotton mans shirt or a long evening gown not to mention all the bedtime attire that is availible and accepted.
    My concern is this what box do lots of women want their man in now. We have no role as as a leader in the home or society. If we are traditional we are despised and if we are soft we are looked down on. We live in shame because we are not accepted in any role by society therefore when we try to be true to ourselves we are perverted, cavemen, selffish, ugly, gay, but in fact we are just individuals developed by our own unique backgrounds, develpoments and personalities. We are so differnt but have certain thaings that remains the same.
    As a rule your man wants to be accepted in your eyes although you will never understand why he likes to worship your body, dress in womens clothing, or any of the little quirks he may have. He doesn’t understand many things about you in fact he doesn’t undrstand many things about himself. Make a point to tell him how he could sexually please you it is very important to him. His strongest drive in general is his sexual desire. He is very pliable and can be moved to a mutual respect but if you shut him down he will shut you out.
    Most couples are looking for excitement in their marriage that’s why divorce and cohabitation without marriage is so high we get bored easily. Was your relationship always one sided, boring or not eventful I hope not. Do something about it be eventful. As a crossdresser married to a strong, beautiful career minded woman I sometimes stand at a loss not knowing what to do. I can’t stand rejection so I barely stand, i just wait. Not what I desire but the box I have been placed in. Pathetic isn’t it but the boxes belong to the women they took ours. Men have evolved from cavemen and in the process some women took our place. If you put him in the house with the household chores he may like it if you let him be the man you may not like it, make up your mind.
    I’m not saying my desires to put on traditional womens attire is right but neither is the desire for many women to use credit cards until the family bankrupts, work so many hours your children think you ran out on them or your husband thinks you are having a affair or you wear boxers and t-shirts to bed. They are just symptoms of something much deeper.
    It’s all about the relationship build it, make it last, make it eventful and make it through the long haul and pass it on. It won’t be easy in fact it will be hard. Let what God has joined together NO MAN shall take apart. You now are one so don’t hurt yourself he is part of you and you him.

  14. This whole situation is bloody annoying.

    “I mean, women can wear pants and nobody blinks, yet put a man in a skirt and people start writing blogs about it.” The fact that so many idiots cite similar things along the lines of women dressing as men and this being acceptable in today’s society is ridiculous! Women do not dress up as men. You cannot say a scottish kilt wearing man is a wearing a skirt – they’re wearing a bloody kilt! Women are not growing moustaches, facial hair, having hairy legs and being men. They’re being women. Trousers are not owned by men, its unisexual and there are many things that are unisexual. Women have handbags, men have satchels. Saying that you CD because you take pride in your appearance is crap. There are plenty of men that do not cross dress and take lots of pride in their appearance. Men have aftershave, toiletries and very fashionable clothes so spare me your crap about envying women. Maybe I’m a lot younger than the idiots that quote women as taking men’s positions in the workplace, which is why I again cannot see the point of your comment and think your analogy is just not the same.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, he only revealed this side of him 6 months ago after years of treating me like crap, cheating on me with women and bloody proposing to me, buying a house with me and putting down a large sum on our wedding venue which is not reimbursable. I am trapped. Kiporter I feel for you. I pretty much am you. I do not understand this side to him. I have not been turned on to have sex with him for the past 6 months. He’s lost soo much weight and is skinny to the point that he looks ill and it’s painful to watch. I can rant to strangers but I have done everything to understand him. What I see is someone that fears society, fears telling any loved ones and fears himself for what he is doing. He is depressed when he does it and depressed at the thought of not being able to do it. When doing it, he constantly seeks the next step up and cannot find the gratification he’s looking for. He thinks of it all day long and cannot escape thoughts even at work. It has taken over his life and mine and having also seen someone go through alcoholism, he exhibits the exact same addictive behaviours. I do not think cross dressing is healthy, I do not see why so many selfish men that do it cannot understand why their wives/partners are having trouble with it, I do not see why most cross dressers appear to be in denial that this is a mental illness – FACT! Yes it doesnt physically harm anyone, neither does consensual incest and no incest is not healthy. There is always a line on what is right and what is wrong and limitations on being who you are hence no you cannot be racist or hold racist thoughts and there are limitations on freedom of speech. Crossdressers that believe society is flawed because they’re not accepting of crossdressers and compare it to society being cruel against different races and homosexuals are stupid. You cannot compare the two! You have a mental illness and from seeing first hand the pain that someone with this illness goes through, I feel for you and I feel for any partner that finds out their significant other is a crossdresser and then has to share the burden. I wish there was something in place for crossdressers to fight their addiction. It ruins lives. I’ve read countless blogs by crossdressers and the majority of them all talk about how it has ruined their lives. Sure there are a few confused crossdressers that believe they are happy, but they tend to also blog about the people they’ve lost as a result of their crossdressing. Sounds scarily similar to the druggies and alcoholics I know that believe they are happy with their stash of drugs and bottles of booze despite how their habits have consumed them.

  15. I stumbled on this site today and read all the posts. It stuck with me until I decided to write. This is the first time I’ve ever disclosed my “mental illness” as aneisha describes it.

    If you don’t mind, I have a few questions.

    1. Which kind of CD is the “worst kind?”
    For 36 years, I’ve had the kind of CD that includes a desire for men and “sticking things up my rectum.” Let me be clear, I’m not one of those gay kind or the ones that want to transition. I just want the humiliation of submission.

    When I read this, it was funny how people jumped to distinguish. It’s like a friend of mine that always seeks to clarify that he is a light skinned black not one of those “darkies.” I’m figuring I’m probably the lowest kind, the one least worthy of sympathy, not that I want any.

    When I was a little boy those urges cropped up before anyone told me the details of sex and I wasn’t abused or anything, so I guess I’m just sick in the head.

    I was one of the toughest kids in a neighborhood where I picked up my first gun off a dead body in an alley on the way home in 6th grade. I was a football star, a decorated Marine, a farmer, a trucker, a heavy equipment operator and now a hard nosed negotiator. Of course, after reading these posts, I realize that, scientifically speaking, I do all that stuff to overcompensate for being a CD, not because I had the misfortune of being born in the wrong place and had the will to do whatever had to be done to get out.

    2. Am I an evil person for keeping my mental illness a secret?
    God selected a marvelous set of challenges for me, but until I read this, I thought I’d done a pretty good job of handling them.

    I’ve been married twice. Neither have the slightest idea. Even though I lost everything in the divorce, twelve years later I still shovel my first wive’s driveway every time it snows (and her mom’s too) because she’s never re-married and my father-in-law passed away. I told my second wife about the shoveling urge before we got married and she was still willing to accept me.

    I’ve never cheated with another woman or man or did anything weird around anyone including children, except one time my wife and I locked the bathroom door and had a quickie while her parents were visiting over Christmas. Even though I’m getting up there in age, my new wife loves that when her daughter goes on a sleepover, we have as much sex as we can cram into fourteen hours. I hope that’s ok.

    3. What does the world owe me?
    Some days I took a potato to school for lunch. And when we couldn’t afford that, I went hungry or performed child labor like cutting the neighbor’s grass. My parents refused help from the government and the church but somehow, even with dyslexia, and being mentally ill with the CD, and being born in a neighborhood with a murder a week, two during the summer months, I managed to become a millionaire by 30. That makes me one of those evil 1%ers that eveyone is justified in hating.

    So guess I should receive –
    a. Pity for being poor as a child, and having an untreated developmental disability,
    b. Potential hatred for being a CD of a lesser god (still waiting for the answer to question 1) and,
    c. Justifiable despisement for working my tail off to become successful.

    4. What do I owe the world?
    Because I have dyslexia, I make doubly sure to carefully read road signs so I don’t kill somebody. They don’t have to make them special for me, or my dad, or my daughter who all have it. Because I potentially have the worst kind of CD, if I’m going to let that urge/desire affect my relationships, I’m obligated to let people know. When I see a CD struggling, I owe that person a helping hand, just like I owe all those little kids growing up in my old neighborhood being an excellent role model and giving of my time and money to help those that want to help themselves.

    Sorry for the novel. I’m struggling. I long for those days when I was 10 and sat on my bathroom floor in my sisters underpants after having put a tampon in my butt crying my eyes out because I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was a lot less confusing.

  16. Christome, hi. I’m not sure anyone else who has posted here will see this, but I did.

    I’m sorry, first of all. I don’t think you’re mentally ill at all – I wouldn’t have written my first book if I did. But that there’s a pecking order in all things – well, yes, & it sucks.

    Second, congrats on making it out with your life, & for keeping your act together long enough to make more than a living.

    I wonder sometimes what would happen if we would just deal with this stuff as a culture so 10 year olds – or their adults selves – wouldn’t have to feel like crap about it.

  17. I just joined this group and thought I would enter my thoughts. It is a true statement that crossdressers make their own life miserable for the most part. The most major reason is they do not understand why they are who they are. Many think that they have become sick with some sort of illness that causes them to crossdress, or that they are very confused perhaps think they have become perverted or insane. it is true that most of us hide the fact we crossdress and this is normal for all of us to do because of the lack of understanding in public society about crossdressing and transsexualism. Lack of education in the subjects in our educational systems.

    None of us are perverted, sick or insane or have a illness that causes us to crossdress or be transsexual. To try and help those who think this I will attempt to explain the reasons why we are who we are. First of all everyone in the world is conceived as a female. Yes we are all female in the beginning of our life in your mothers womb. There are cycles that the fetus goes thru that determines who we will be and what we will look like when we are born and grow into adulthood. Some of these cycles determine if you wil be a boy or a girl when you are born. But unfortunately or fortunately which ever way you want to put it for yourself some of us are not born just a boy or girl. During these cycles female or male information is assigned to the fetus which determines if we will be boy or girl and sometimes there are mistakes and to much or not enough of one or the other information is assigned which in our case (male to female) causes us to have more female information assigned to the male fetus. This in return can cause a male fetus to develope in a number of ways depending on the amount of female information assigned to the male fetus. When born we will look like a genetic boy and normal to all who see us even the doctors. When we begin to grow and develope into a boy we still look like a boy but for some of us we will act femnine or have female characteristics. At some point during our growth cycles we begin to feel a little different and do not understand why and think nothing of it until later in life for some of us and at that very point of feeling differnet for some of us. There are those babies born who are born with both male and female private parts. At this stage the parents and doctor sometimes make a decision as to what they want the baby to grow up as, a male or female and in most cases that decision is the wrong one.

    As we grow and develope some of us have the desire and compulsion to wear the opposite genders clothing and do not really understand why. This is why we crossdress, because of the feminine information assigned to our fetus in our mothers womb during the cycles which determone which we will be male or female when born. As we grow and continue to develope some of us realize we are females in a male body because we were born with a brain that has more female identifying information then male and sometimes a complete female brain which is why some of us are born transsexual. As we continue to grow and develope our lives become complicated and we have to hide who we are because of the fear no one will understand why we crossdress because at this time we do not even understand and thus we have become who we are now. Those who were born with a female brain develope into transsexuals. Those of us born with more female information in parts of our brain develeloped in various stages and degrees of crossdressing from just wearing the under garments of the opposite gender to dressing fully as a female and tying to imulate a woman when we dress fully as female.

    So none of us are sick in the head, perverted, crazy, or what ever, we are who we are because we were born this way for most of us. It becomes part of our life to hide who we are from everyone and crossdress whenever we can for as long as we can. Many times this leads to family problems if you married or have a girlfriend or family who accidently find out.

  18. No, the whole “every fetus is female by default” myth is not true. What fetuses are is undifferentiated, but it takes active processes to make a fetus into a male or female child.

  19. I really hate to disagree with you but after very intensive research and discussion with doctors the fetus are female until the gender cycles begin ……. at leash that is what the medical profession says

  20. I’m amazed. I’m not the only open-minded, accepting and supportive wife that feels that I’ve been taken advantage of in soooooooooooo many ways. We are on the verge of divorce. My husband has become selfish , self centered, etc….and has crossed many a lines, and did it knowingly. I need help.

  21. As a crossdresser for many, many years it has caused me personal hardship and grief! I understand these woman and Ms. Boyd is completely correct through her experiences and her research! Despite all the up front honesty I hear about, Really how up front was it? Waited till after marriage? If so then that is a trap and only hurts each other beside taking valuable days, weeks,months and years away from each person involved from really truly having the happiness they deserve! My first marriage suffered greatly! 23 years and from that 23 years, a good 15 were wasted! WASTED! POOF! Never to be returned for use! there was no intimacy, I never divulged my lifestyle! Granted it was closeted but so were we! Now I cannot imagine what my poor wife had to endure night after night of no intimacy! She was a wonderful woman! A most wonderful wife! So Why would I do this? Fear! Fear of rejection! These fears are from years and years before! The crossdressing was always in the brain but not being honest and upfront, I ruined two lives of 15 years of happiness! There really is no other way to look at it! I was a coward! If I wanted this and it was so important then why didn’t I come clean?

    My second marriage I was right up front with her. She has been cool about it from the beginning! Oddly it seems as though I dress up far, far less! I have far less time as well! The feelings are still there and the desire to feel and be feminine are still very strong! It’s no picnic!

  22. Wow. I just found this blog and this post with the comments above. I’m very sorry for drudging up this post, but I felt somewhat vindicated by reading it and its comments and felt the need to express my gratitude. I’ve never really considered the true interpersonal ramifications of crossdressing in regards to the other people in the crossdresser’s life. Don’t get me wrong, I know in an abstract way that having a crossdressing spouse is a recipe for disaster, but I never actually saw such heartfelt attestations of that fact. Most of what I see out on the internet is attestations of CDSO’s regurgitating that “10 Reasons CDs are so great” boogieman. It always reeked of propaganda from a frustrated crossdresser.

    I’ve always felt that my crossdressing is a manifestation of me being defective; that I have some sort of mental illness and its primary symptom is, through chance experiences and circumstances, crossdressing. It could have been some other sexual deviance or substance abuse, etc. under other circumstances, but I happened to get my hands on a pair of panties before I found a bong or a whip and leather S&M harness. I agree with many of the posters that it is a sickness and those who have it are not only ill, but ultimately unrecoverable.

    In recognizing that I was mentally and emotionally defective, I acknowledged that it was critical that I minimize the impact of my largely concealable condition upon others. What’s the point of inflicting myself upon them and their lives? So, I never sought help outside of passive sources on the internet (such as this blog) and came to find some modicum of peace and that peace is, by necessity solitary. I decided long ago that I can never allow myself to attempt to become close enough to a person or persons to let my condition become their problem. I have, at the age of 38, never been on a date. I have never attempted to date and have gone to pains (not significant, really) to turn away any who mistakenly took an interest in me. It is imperative that I remain a dead end.

    Reading these posts by the spouses and S.O.’s of crossdressers, I see that my approach is vindicated. Yes, sometimes I feel horribly alone and alienated, but that too is something I can cope with in solitude. I don’t have much family left. I will not have children and I deliberately keep any acquaintances at a distance. When I feel comfortable that my end will come at a minimal impact, I plan on very quietly putting an end to my defective self. I am gladdened that I have not been a source of pain for anyone. I’m sorry the rest of you didn’t find such consideration in your lives and I thank you for your heartfelt posts. It has given me the affirmation that I am thinking clearly and making sound decisions. I only wish more defective people would realize that they are a burden to the world and take appropriate action to minimize the suffering they spread.

  23. MostlyNobody – I couldn’t disagree more. Many women are happy with crossdressing spouses, if the crossdresser can have a good sexual & emotional relationship with his wife or girlfriend or boyfriend or husband *without* having to crossdress to be turned on.

    That is, in my opinion, it’s neutral. I find those “why CDs are so great” as frustrating (and often reeking of male privilege & fetishization of femininity) but as long as the crossdressing is within certain limits, crossdressing can be a fun part of a couple’s sex life.

    It was in ours.

    But I absolutely do believe a crossdresser has to come out as a crossdresser long before any major commitments are made.

  24. I agree that you need to be honest with a person outright when it comes to crossdressing, among so many other things. A relationship with secrets is doomed.

    I found that wrangling with my own dysfunction was enough of a perilous dance on shifting sands that I couldn’t know what to tell a person if, god forbid, there was any chance of an emotional connection. Disclosure is fine if you know what to disclose. My crossdressing is, like I said, a manifestation of more fundamental personality defects; at the face of it, an uncorrectable bent towards narcissism, introversion and self-destructive decision making. It too ka long time for me to discover this and then attemtp to deal with it. That combination of proclivities was destined to work itself out as something negative. Crossdressing is relatively benign as far as destructive narcissistic behaviors go, but the crossdressing is a tip of an especially problematic iceberg that touches every aspect of being in a relationship. I, myself, know enough not to venture into relationships until I am in a position to do so with full disclosure and something positive to contribute and share. Reading these accounts I can see that many guys in dresses were also not in a position to have a healthy, honest relationship and their wives and families suffered for it. I see many guys so desperate to find and have love that they allowed themselves to omit facts, conceal their feelings and live a lie to achieve that happiness. But I’ve also realized that, like quitting smoking, there’s never a good time for it. There’s always a seemingly valid reason to just keep toking up in the garage. When something seems right, something like a budding relationship, you begin to justify keeping secrets, putting your best foot forward, not farting at the dinner table or admitting you really REALLY like your date’s shoes, especially when that secret is something so societally “out there”. I can see how it happens. Everyone wants to be happy and so many look for happy external affirmations like a “Girl who really digs me” and the momentum of that socially sanctioned “good thing” takes off and the next thing you know there are kids, a dog and a picket fence who don’t know about daddy’s hidden stash of bras. But it is brutally selfish to have started out on the lie and to have perpetuated it, and selfish and crossdressing are unfortunate shopping buddies.

    In 38 years there’s never been a good time for me to be in a relationship and I need to be honest enough (and others, apparently, also need to be honest enough with themselves) to say, point blank, that there WILL NEVER be suitable time to seek a successful relationship because some issues are unresolvable within a lifespan. Some baggage is simply too dangerous to allow others to approach until the handler has their “stuff” in order. Now, personally, I’m too old and eccentric for starting off on dating. My decades of figuring my “stuff” out in solitude have eaten away my capacity to form normal relationships and I’ve decided to look at the bright side of that. That bright side has nothing to do with cliche reasons a guy in drag is a gift. For one, I’m glad I spared some unsuspecting woman the indignity and pain of dealing with my destructive load of unsecured weapons grade mental baggage. It’s selfish to drag others into a nightmare that should be yours alone.

  25. I was just reading this out of curiosity (and lurking, I suppose), and since there are a few relatively recent posts such that someone might wander through here again, I just feel compelled to say that I’m the wife of a CDer, and I don’t think it’s a recipe for disaster. Granted, I am a second wife, and one who entered my marriage knowing the situation, but still, I honestly think crossdressing is only as much of a problem as you let it be. It’d be a lie to say it’s all been just peachy-keen for us, but it’s hardly been a disaster, and the issues raised by it seem much the same as any of our other issues, and we treat them as such. I have read a fair amount of writing done by SOs who feel crossdressing has ruined their lives, is a horrible disorder, etc., and while I do think I can understand it and acknowledge and appreciate that perspective, nonetheless I always have the feeling of it doesn’t HAVE to be this way. I’m not telling anybody how to live, what they have the right to feel, etc. It just saddens me so, and while the stories of wives who feel they have been lied to, cheated, and had their worlds turned upside down are heart-wrenching, nothing breaks my heart more than to see expressions of those who are so, so destroyed by self-loathing and feel that they are broken and can never be fixed. It’s simply not true. Maybe you did lie and deceive and do whatever number of other dishonorable things. You must own them, but you don’t deserve to die for them. You married someone who wasn’t the right fit, and no doubt in some cases it turned out to be a tragic event for everyone involved. But so do many marriages, for so many different reasons. You’re really not so special in having had a failed, heartbreaking, life-altering relationship. And it’s not true that anyone is incapable of finding or unsuitable for a loving relationship. If you don’t find the person who is right for you, that is just one of the sorrows of the human condition. Don’t view it as hinging solely on who you ARE. Their are partners out there who are compatible with you, but you will never find them if you give up.

    Sorry for the pep talk and the sappiness. Maybe I am more CD-identified than I should be. But seeing someone feeling that way just makes me want to weep.

  26. I have to say that having a cross dressing husband had always been disturbing to me. I felt inadequate, misled, disrespected. Each time it happened over the past 32 years, my husband told me that it was “nothing”, “stress release”, “not a big deal”, and “no, we didn’t have to seek counseling, because …” I kept it a sad secret in my heart for all these years, and then in this year….my husband confirmed my greatest fear….he always had wanted to be a woman. All his life. Except for a miraculous brief period during our courtship and shortly after our marriage.. All these years. All the promises. Now our family is broken. Our children are deeply hurt, sad, angry. The future that I had hoped for…retirement, family trips, …. changed. We have loved each other all our adult lives…he is my very best friend. The past holds many great blessings, and so I have to say, I would not change it— I just wish this part of him, never was. I firmly believe that if one is to marry another, and meld futures into one …that honesty before marriage is the honorable thing to do. Our life is in unbelievable turmoil, our children devastated, and I am broken. I don’t believe he understands the devastation– and I see him very self involved now. We continue to work day be day for some common ground–but the ground is shifting too fast.

  27. My most precious dragonfly girl – love and joy of my life. I adore and cherish you. You are God’s greatest gift to me. I still shake my head in disbelief that I should have been blessed with such a deep, abiding love from one so sweet, so tender, unique and special as you. Throughout our 32 years of marriage my love for you, my amazement of you, my awe of you, has only continued to grow. Never were the words “better half” more appropriately applied than to you in our relationship.

    Of my many disappointments in life, none could be the source of greater anguish than my inability to be the man, the knight in shining armor, the “rock” that you so totally deserved, and that you thought you were getting when you said “I do”. I can truly say that I strived mightily over the years to be just that, and yet have come up so woefully short. I can only say again and again – I am so desperately sorry.

    I couldn’t agree more with you, that honesty before marriage is the only honorable thing to do. I see that so clearly today – it seems almost ridiculously obvious. It kills me that I could not see it then – but I couldn’t. By way of explanation (not in any way self-defense), as best I can explain something I still don’t and will never fully understand, I simply didn’t possess the level of self-awareness, courage or strength to be open with you as I should have been. In part – as difficult as this is to believe- I truly was in “remission” for a couple years when I went off to college and fell in with a band of undisciplined party all the time types (not sure half of them ever graduated). It was at the tail end of that phase that I met you and was instantly entranced by you. Also, in part, I really, truly didn’t fully understand what this was all about and I frankly far underestimated, all my life, the depth and breadth and tenacity of it. In part, once we were married, it was a reflection of my desire not to hurt you, my fear of losing you, and the silly notion that, whatever this was, it would “pass”, or that I could turn it off or bury it. That prayer would solve it. That will power would solve it. That my love for you could overcome it. That your love for me could overcome it. Every time I told you it was “no big deal”, I truly believed that, because it didn’t make any sense to me that it could be any other way. But the cavernous hole inside of me only continued to grow. The weight and debilitation of the secret only continued to grow. The weight and debilitation of self-loathing and humiliation only continued to grow. For decades. Until I couldn’t even keep it a secret any more. And I couldn’t do anything to turn it off.

    I do have a sense of the devastation this has caused you and our children. Not to make this about me, but if it is anything at all like the living hell I have experienced, I know it is boundless and all-encompassing. I also spend much of my time in total agreement with you that where we stand today is the culmination of a series of ongoing, voluntary choices I have made. That only makes total sense. And yet, when I decide to change direction, to make different choices, I find myself unable to.

    Another source of tremendous sadness for me is in knowing that you continually question whether I love you at all, or ever loved you. I try so hard each day to show my dedication to you and love for you in the little things I do for you. I would never argue that I deserve you, or that you deserve what you are dealing with here. Nor would I argue your contention that I have been tremendously selfish. I don’t believe my selfishness is “wired” quite the way you perceive it to be, but it is selfishness nonetheless. It is not a kind of selfishness in which I purposely, consciously choose my needs and desires over yours, or before yours. Rather, it’s an inability to pass around or through or over the gaping hole inside of me to better tend to your needs, your dreams. I am too consumed by my own woundedness to be for you everything I desperately want to be. And you are shortchanged. Not by a lack of love for you on my part, but because my own brokenness overwhelms my ability to be completely present to you.

    At the end of the day, I deeply yearn for your happiness. It’s agonizingly difficult for me to say this, to even consider, because I love you so much, but if you reach a point or are at a point where you can no longer find that happiness with me, I hope that you can find it with someone else. However, and I guess this is yet another facet of my great selfishness in all of this, but if or when you reach that point, it will have to be you that makes the call. I will never be strong enough, “noble” enough to make a decision one day when I get out of the bed we share, or walk out the front door of the house we share – that it will be for the last time. As much grief as I have caused you, your love has meant everything to me. I cannot imagine facing the prospect of life without you. I know you are the greatest blessing I have ever known in my life. I could not willingly choose to walk away.

    I so wish things could have been different. I do find myself sometimes saying, “Why me?”, as well as, “Why you?” But I do know this – because of the gift of you in my life, because of the gift of your great love and dedication to me, I have experienced the best that this life has to give. Even if it’s all downhill from here for me, I know I reached the mountain tops once, through you. I knew Camelot once, through you. I only wish you could have said the same of me. Regardless of whether we end up separated by this, you have always been and will always be, to the last beat my heart, my one, true and only love.

  28. I met a man and we started dating. After a while things started to get serious
    between us until one day I found a pair of black thongs under his bed. I will never forget that day, I was heartbroken. But the only thought in my mind was that he didn’t want me and was seeing another woman on the side. I would like to say that it never occurred to me that he was into CD~ but just the size of the panties triggered thoughts in my mind that maybe they were his… I confronted him and he denied knowing who’s they were and I cried, threw the panties into the trash and spent many months with a sick feeling of betrayal (thoughts of him and another woman) in my gut. Over time as we grew closer, our fetishes came out~ his and mine. I am a Bisexual female and he has just in the past few days relayed to me that he liked CD. He is all male and his admissions to me have seemed to make us so much closer. We are in love. I find him walking around in a babydoll nighty or see thru panties very arousing. Our sex life has sky rocketed! I have no fears and now that sick feeling that I’ve felt in my gut is completely gone. I will gladly paint his toes anytime 🙂

  29. I think we sometimes flog ourselves mercilessly about being cross dressers. Once a couple can come to an accommodation about it then the flogging should cease. I am sitting writing this little missive wearing a lovely Ralph Lauren dress my wife bought me. I am off to work later, wearing my work clothes. There are no urges to “wear anything underneath” or such, because work is work and thats it. I respect fully my wife’s desire that CDing play no part in our sex life, so that is that too. we are both careful to make and respect boundaries. We are very happy together, and still in love after 32 years of marriage.
    Let the self flagellation cease!

  30. I didn’t have time to read all of the responses to this article, but the few I did read alarmed me. How can a site dealing with transgender issues have such a negative opinion on crossdressing/crossdressers? I think this is terrible and reprehensible.

    The body of the article and the negative attitude, in my opinion, doesn’t stem from crossdressing per se–it stems from being dishonest and withholding information from someone with the knowledge that this information could be destructive if it was disclosed. For instance, what if you married someone that withheld the fact that they were sterile yet they knew full well you wanted children? Or married someone with a terminal illness that didn’t disclose this as you planned your future lives together? The problem here is misrepresentation to a person who is making a life-altering decision to commit themselves to you based on what they have come to know about you. Not disclosing things–especially things you know might change the outcome–is a terrible and selfish thing to do.

    I still am at a loss on crossdressers and why it seems many of them don’t disclose this part of themselves to their loved ones. Let me first qualify this statement by saying that I was not raised in an open and accepting family in Hollywood, California, and I was surrounded by eccentric folks all of my life. It was the exact opposite. I grew up in a small town in NC, went to church every Sunday and Wednesday, and although homosexuality (and anything associated with it, even erroneously) was never directly condemned at my church, it was in other churches in my area. Despite this fact, I grew to have a very healthy self-esteem, and I was also raised to be considerate of other people, their feelings, and to be honest.

    I dated many, many girls before finding the right one, and if I dated a girl for more than a month or so, she knew about my penchant for wearing girls clothing. This included dating girls from my small town here in NC. The funny thing is, I only had one girl that had a serious issue with it, and she was born and raised in Atlanta, GA. Eventually, I met my wife-to-be, and we have been together for 25 years. She has known about my crossdressing ever since the very beginning (well, about a month after we met). I was still learning about it, and so we learned together. I’m not “out” with it to everyone, but we do have a select group of friends that know. We have understandings with my crossdressing as we do other things in our relationship. As a well-known figure in our area, I’m very careful about what, when and where I do it. At home it’s always fine, although we both chose to not tell our children until they were old enough to understand and mature enough to keep quiet. It is involved with our sex lives, but it’s not really a planned thing. i.e., if the mood strikes us and I’m en femme, we go with it. There are some areas where I wish she was more this-or-that, but this doesn’t isolate itself to CDing alone. I’m sure she feels the same about me–especially picking up after myself 🙂

    Anyway, CDing has *not* been a non-issue in our relationship. It has been a struggle at times, but typically it’s easily resolved. Without a doubt, however, it has been a benefit to us infinitely more than a detriment. It is endearing to have a secret with someone in a close relationship. You get to catch each others eye and grin when a similar topic comes up and you know that no one knows. It has given our marriage a spice of life that so few other couples seem to have. I respect her for loving me as I am, and makes me strive to always be the same in regard to her. It’s just very hard to put into words all of the positive aspects that have come from this “quirky” side of me.

    As I have progressed in my profession, as is the case with most professions, I have moved from job-oriented tasks to managing a professional workforce. I spend virtually all of my time trying to identify problems. People think that problems are the difficult “things” to deal with. Although they can be challenging, by far the most difficult and necessary thing is to identify what the problem really is. In light of this article, I state once again that I don’t believe crossdressing to be the problem. It is honesty and disclosure that are the underlying problems in these relationships.

  31. Amber, the crossdressing itself, & the shame & stigma associated with it, often causes CDs to lie about what they do – to partners.

    The only comments that are mine are clearly indicated as such. Again, no issue with crossdressing per se – I loved having a crossdressing husband – but crossdressing can and often does bring a raft of problems, which, as you say, may be more about honesty and disclosure, but they are about honesty and disclosure of the crossdressing itself, the desires that motivate someone to crossdress, the specific needs that are met by it, etc.

  32. To some degree, my original post was doing exactly what you’ve said – pointing out that a good husband may be nurturing, or patient, or pretty, or good at makeup – but that these things are not necessarily because someone crossdresses.

    Or rather, crossdressing in itself does not make someone a good partner to a woman.

  33. I completely agree that being a crossdresser does not necessarily equate with being a good spouse. Very few interests do.

    My concern here is what your statements project to other people reading this thread. What if someone is up-front and honest about heir crossdressing and their significant other begins to do some research on the subject? If they come across this thread with an implied generalization that crossdressing is simply tolerable at the best of times, they may very well break off the relationship due to incorrect information. This is not supporting those of us who ARE honest about who and what we are, and the fact that a relationship with a crossdresser is not all work, doom and gloom. If anything, this emphasizes the need for there to be support for such relationships *in the beginning*; there is a need to remove this stigma so people can be honest about who and what they are.

    As someone stated in a response above, marriage is difficult at the best of times. More than half of all marriages end in divorce, and we all know (well, statistically speaking) crossdressing is not a factor in a majority of those. However, deception and dishonesty typically are one of the primary factors in divorce. And once again–it is the deception and dishonesty associated with crossdressing (or another woman/person, substance abuse, finances, etc.) that is the problem.

    In my personal opinion, we have no greater friend in a marriage than communication. I feel, however, that it is a skill that is underutilized and oversimplified. The wife I have today is not the young lady that I began dating 25 years ago. Nor am I the same young man. We have aged, we look different, our opinions, priorities and goals have changed. And yes–even my crossdressing is different now than it was when we met. But crossdressing is a *part* of me… it is not what *defines* me.

    Anyway, I’m prattling along. I think the comment that caught my attention is the following:

    “But this list, I suspect, was written by a CD, not a wife, or maybe it was written by a very cheerlead-y wife in an optimistic mood. (If anyone has any info on the actual origin/writer of this piece, I’d love to hear it.)”

    There is simply no other way for this statement about crossdressing to be taken other than in a derogatory manner. It states very directly that for these items to be seen as a good thing, i.e. to be glad to have a crossdressing husband, one not only has to be a very cheerlead-y spouse, but a cheerlead-y spouse in an optimisitic mood.

    And here again:

    “But it doesn’t do any of those things automatically, by any stretch. It requires a great deal of integrity, responsibility and sheer nerve to face this stuff and deal with it in a way that isn’t destructive to self or family”

    How does this paint crossdresssing in any light other than a crisis waiting to happen?

    Let’s please be fair. I know in my heart that there simply isn’t any way that I have the only relationship where crossdressing is more than just tolerated. Incorporating such negative, sweeping generalizations like this is damaging without qualifying the source’s mindset at the time that led to this opinion. It may very well be your feelings based on your experience, but people need to also know that a relationship with a crossdresser can also be a wonderful thing, as well.

  34. Amber, have you seen the recent research on how the stigma toward trans people is also experienced by the partners of trans people? That’s what I’m talking about. You can’t be partnered to a CD (even the non trans variety) without also having to deal with some of the stigma of what it means for men to crossdress.

    And CDs themselves often come – not always – with a lifetime of shame about it.

    Anyway, this blog post was a specific response to a specific kind of cheerleading that declares how awesome CDs are based on a bunch of stupid ideas about femininity. It’s an emotionally inappropriate & condescending response to a woman who is concerned about her marriage to tell her that she now has a “built in slumber party” for her marriage. I mean, really? So that’s where the edge of my post comes from.

    Mostly, that is, I wanted to respond to all of the CDs and SOs who try to talk women who are worried not to worry, that it’s all going to be a blast.

    I’d suggest you read more of my work before deciding how it is I feel about CDs, because honestly, there are very few people who love you all as much as I do.

  35. I’d say there is a honeymoon period where it is a blast (for the partner coming into the relationship with full knowledge). But it’s certainly a challenging life at least part of the time for the positive partner too. If nothing else, it’s living in a closet–and that closet may be filled with 75 pairs of 6-inch heels that are ostensibly “mine,” but it’s still a closet, and it’s not MINE. The living of a lie and the necessary secrecy are things I have had to learn (and admit to myself) in a matter of a few mere years, whereas he has had his entire life to practice. Making the decision to join such a life is a grave concern and those considering it should be so counseled. Making the decision to stay after a revelation and the turning-on-end of your entire world I don’t even want to imagine. While the points on the list all have a certain validity, that fakey cheeriness is the last thing on earth someone in that position needs to hear. It entirely discounts the seriousness of the situation.

  36. Helen–

    I typed a very nice and informed response to your last post several days ago, but your ‘bot saw it as spam. No idea why?

    Antigone325 AND Helen. Please realize that I’m not trying to play down the difficulty that many relationships experience due to crossdressing. Especially those that find out years after the nuptials. My single concern is the representation that most–if not all–marriages with a crossdresser/transvestite are inevitably riddled with pain and difficulties as a direct result of their activities. This is simply not the case. There can be–and are–very healthy and happy relationships that involve crossdressers. I am in one now that is a first marriage for both and has lasted 25 years, and crossdressing has been a part of it for 25 years. Of our 12 “couples” that constitute our close group of friends, we are the ONLY relationship that has not ended in divorce. Regarding demographics, of every couple both partners had at least 4-year college degrees and all fell into middle class to middle upper class (annual household income >$1 million). In our small sample of the world it seems that crossdressing is a desirable quality!

    Of course, I’m being somewhat silly. But my point is that the fact I’m a crossdresser has not destroyed our marriage.

    Helen–you mention that you aren’t being negative, but if you’ll look back through the replies to your comments you will find that every “CD friendly” reply is in opposition to you, and every “CD antagonist” response is in agreement with you. This obviously says something about how people see your bias in this article.

    I do not presume to know your path and what you may have experienced as a result of a CD being in your life, but please don’t paint us all in such a broad stroke.

    Helen–I do wish you would make the distinction that many of the peopl that have posted are dealing more with transexualism than transvestism/crossdressing. The difference between the two is insurmountable.

    Antigone–I love your post from 4-15-13, and agree wholeheartedly.

  37. Kelly Dunlap, it’s great to see you have such a positive response!!! May I ask, are you a genetic female? You and I should talk if you are!

  38. I just want to add to this conversation about spouses because I seem to have a very unusual group of friends who are millennials. One is a darling woman who was a big fan of Eddie Izzard and is attracted to CDs. She was very disappointed when the man she met and ended up marrying through her religious community was repulsed by the idea of cross-dressing. Although she is very happy, she would have been happier with a good man who was also CD. She is not bisexual as far as I know, but once she saw Eddie Izzard perform, she knew what she wanted.

    People’s sexual orientations are just there, they aren’t mutable through tears, threats, pleading, manipulation, etc. Both CDs who think that their spouses who are repulsed by CD will somehow change and CDs who think that no woman could ever be attracted to a CD are lying to themselves. The women are out there. It’s a brave new world thanks to the LGBT/homophile/queer movement and people are able to be more open when meeting and dating.

    It pains me to see CD people who are so self-loathing. Society has told us that femininity is terrible, never more so than in a man. I would recommend the book Whipping Girl by Julie Serano as a kind of femme manifesto. I don’t agree with all her statements or conclusions but the good outweighs the froggy on balance.

  39. Yes, this is a new age, but Western culture hasn’t changed very much, yet. I hoped that I would be among the last CDs to grow up under the cloud of CD opprobrium, and therefor of self-loathing. Not so.

    I spent two previous marriages and 70 years as a closeted CD, but always first informing my potential partners of my CD. They were curious and titillated, Only later did we all find the thorns among the roses.

    Like many CDs, my sexuality was focused on myself, and my partners, until the.last one, were largely objectifications of my self-love. I suspect this is often true of both males and females, but as a CD it was too painfully focused for my first spouses to tolerate. Older sometimes does become wiser. Even among CDs, and I became a better person with age.

    In my last marriage, which lasted six years before she died, we had worked through what my CD/stigma said about her to others (she was bi, poly and outspoken – I was mildly bi, poly-attracted, and outspoken), whether or not I was going to eventually transition (pretty sure not, but ask me again next year), that my arousal from wearing feminine lingerie was indeed a fetish, as was her exhibitionism (cool so long as we were aroused more by each other), and that I was never to be prettier than her (easily done).

    I’m sure we would have had to work through many more things had she lived longer (her addictive nature, my selfishness, our poly jealousy, other kinks, etc.), for we were strongly convinced we had always known and loved each other, despite frequent differences in gender, race, body size, or age. Being non-spiritual atheists, we found this lapse puzzling, but settled on thinking of it as an involuntary mutual leap of faith, like two magnetized Scotty dogs. As she said, we fit like puzzle pieces. And our whole was indeed greater than the sum of our parts.

    I don’t know if this indicates that a successful marriage to a CD is less or more possible than a successful marriage to anyone else. I suspect they are about the same, though different in detail. Nor do I think that as a couple we were unique in our love and respect for each other.

    Had I transitioned, even without body-mods, I don’t know if our marriage would have survived. Sometimes you just have to try it (if you must), and if it doesn’t work, move on and treasure as much of the experience as you can.

    Eric (Paulette on MHB)

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