In a long-awaited decision, a fractured (8-5-3) Tax Court today ruled in O’Donnabhain v. Commissioner, 134 T.C. No. 4 (Feb. 2, 2010), that male-to-female gender reassignment surgery qualifies as a deductible medical expense under § 213, reversing the IRS’s position in Chief Counsel Advice 200603025.  The 8-judge majority held that:

• TP’s gender identity disorder is a “disease” within the meaning of  § 213(d)(1)(A) & (9)(B).
• TP’s hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery were for the treatment of disease within the meaning of  § 213(d)(1)(A) & (9)(B), and thus not “cosmetic surgery” excluded from the definition of deductible “medical care” by § 213(d)(9)(A).
• TP’s breast augmentation surgery was directed at improving her appearance did not meaningfully promote the proper function of her body or treat disease within the meaning of § 213(d)(9)(B), and thus was “cosmetic surgery” excluded from the definition of deductible “medical care” by § 213(d)(9)(A).

Judge Gale wrote the 69-page majority opinion, joined by Judges Cohen, Colvin. Marvel, Morrison, Paris, Thornton, and Wherry.  Judge Halperin (12 pages), Judge Holmes (joined by Judge Goeke) (23 pages), and Judge Goeke (joined by Judge Holmes) (6 pages) wrote separate concurring opinions.  Judge Foley (joined by Judges Gustafson, Kroupa, Vasquez, and Wells) (8 pages) and Judge Gustafson (joined by Judges Foley, Kroupa, Vasquez, and Wells) (21 pages) wrote separate opinions concurring in part and dissenting in part.

Amazing news. GLAD is having a community conference call with the attorneys who worked on the case, and NCTE is supporting the call. For more info on how to participate, check after the break.

If you are interested in hearing more about the case from the actual attorneys who worked on it, please join us for the call.

Toll Free Dial-In Number: 1-800-704-9804
Participant Code(s):   61898641#

Wednesday February 3
6:00 PM Eastern Time Zone
5:00 PM Central Time Zone
4:00 PM Mountain Time Zone
3:00 PM Pacific Time Zone

One of called “What Every Married Woman Should Know About Money,” by Carol Mithers and has a bulleted list of 7 items:

1. Carry your own plastic.

2. Read the fine print.

3. Define what’s yours, mine, and ours.

4. Don’t give up bill-paying duties.

5. Get to know your financial advisers.

6. Make plans for the future.

7. Keep your professional hat in the ring.

The other is “What To Do When You Can’t Afford a Divorce” also by Carol Mithers and has this useful bit of advice about credit:

Credit is a different story. “Shred joint cards and get a new one in your own name,” recommends Lisa Decker, an Atlanta-area-based financial analyst specializing in divorce. “It can be hard for a woman to get credit after a divorce, especially if she hasn’t been working. If you have a balance you can’t pay off on existing credit cards, freeze the account so that neither partner can run up the debt further. Also put freezes on home equity so that neither of you can take out a second mortgage or line of credit.”

Not cheery, but still important reading.

Dear Editor -

Regarding this article:
http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid90450.asp

Here you have a self-identified transgender person, and you have refused to honor that person’s affirmed gender, making the bigoted editorial choice to call Kimah a man and to apply the masculine pronouns “he” and “him”.

You should know better. How are we to achieve liberation when our own publications mistreat us?

It’s time for me to renew my subscription. Guess you don’t need my money after all.

I’m copying GLAAD. Clearly, you need to re-read their media guide. I’m also copying NCTE and every major trans blog.

You owe Kimah an apology.

J D ‘Ox’ Freeman
President
Alabama Gender Alliance

Not a bad deal.

For now I wanted to recommend the basic silver bullet vibe : it’s discreet, it works, & it’s a great way to use up your batteries that are too old to do anything else. No, really: a lot of people find they don’t need it at full throttle, so you can use your half-used batteries in it & still get off.

How We Love You: Let Us Count the Ways

There are partners who are male, female, and trans; there are partners who met their trans person before the trans person knew what was going on; there are partners who married crossdressers who had sworn off crossdressing who purged and then dressed and then purged and then dressed again; there are partners who met their husbands crossdressed; there are partners who met their trans person during transition; there are partners who met their trans person long after transition; there are partners who didn’t know their trans person was trans when they met.

You, the individuals who are in love, were in love, who are seeking companionship and partnership and occasionally a good spanking, are said to be like snowflakes. Flawless Mother Sabrina told me that one night at the now defunct Ina’s Silver Swan, and she was right. Each of your stories is unique, even when there are similarities; each of you realizes your transness, as I like to call it, in a different way: some crossdress, others do drag, others transition. Some do all three, and others – none of these, but you express your genders in some other way. But you have your stories, your characters in movies, even if and when they are comically or tragically or unfairly drawn, but those you love have – well, we’ve got a machete and a spot on the edge of the wood we mean to get through.

When Betty and I first began this business of being a publicly visible trans couple, there weren’t very many stories, and even those were rarely told. There was Peggy Rudd, and her partner Melanie; there was Dottie and Allison Laing, Cynthia and Linda Phillips; Marilyn and Linda Frank. There were people – for me, most importantly – heterosexual women – who had made it through the wood. And while none of them are necessarily like me, they were there at a time when I didn’t know what was possible, or what a relationship with someone who did drag might look like.

And sometimes that is all there needs to be. So many of the people who join my online trans partners group or our community forums are looking for someone to say “it’s been done.” Sometimes all it takes is the suggestion that it may  be possible for a person to put on her seatbelt and get ready to ride the roller coaster that is being partnered to someone who is trans. We take this on with the same tentative bet that you do.

Because you know it’s not a safe bet. There are a lot of things that can cause relationships to fail; in the time Betty and I have been together – 11 years now – we have seen so many couples split up. The good news, if it’s good news, is that plenty of those couples were not trans. I’ve always found it some consolation that no one’s relationship is easy, no matter how gender normative, no matter how much money or how little, whether they have kids or don’t. On the days that are full of doubt for the future of a relationship, sometimes it’s good to know that your odds are no better, but no worse, than anyone else’s. I mean that. Trans doesn’t make it less likely – just trickier.

The odd thing about being me these days is that so many kinds of partners find me and tell me their stories. One straight male partner of a trans guy tells me what it took to swallow his fear of being seen as a gay man in this world so that he could husband his wife into becoming the man she is now. The husband of one post-stealth trans woman wrote to me when he realized his partner had been born male, and told me how surprised he was when he realized it didn’t make a difference to him.

There was a lesbian in the support group I co-moderated at the Gay Center in New York who told me how hard it was to first fear losing, and then mourn the loss of – the support that came from a tight-knit lesbian community they had both come from, but which he felt the need to leave when he decided to live stealth. She couldn’t figure out how to keep being her, and queer, when she looked like a straight woman to everyone else. There was one genderqueer, self-identified dyke who had stopped going out with her trans guy and his trans friends because when she did, the guys all got called “ladies” and had started to resent her presence.

There is not one but many wives of crossdressers who are very, very tired of being told “it’s ONLY crossdressing, after all, he’s not transitioning, so what’s the problem?”even by other partners, or by therapists, or by their own husbands, while they are worried sick about their husbands’ safety and what to tell the kids and what if his boss finds out. (And can I ask, by the way, how it is that Virginia Prince could come out as a transvestite in the 1950s, and the drag queens throw the first shoe at Stonewall, and yet these so-called part-timers still face the greatest risks of not being covered by non-discrimination laws and who are scoffed at as the lowest rungs of the trans hierarchy, and even still their partners, gay men and heterosexual wives, get told crossdressing or drag is no big deal?!)

There is one thing I have learned: being out, if you can afford it, is easier than stealth, and being queer, if you can manage it, is easier than holding onto your heterosexuality. I’m lazy and I can’t be bothered to remember what I’ve told one person that I haven’t told another, so Betty – stalwart spouse that she is – has had to put up with being both out AND queer. People say “you’re so brave” and really? We’re mostly lazy, and can’t be bothered to hide all the evidence of our history when people come to visit. Have we foreclosed on certain careers as a result? Probably. But they probably wouldn’t have been a good fit, anyway. Besides, we dream one day of being an unknown lesbian couple in some quiet corner of academia someday. But do watch that step, because the cliff that straight is perched on top of is a steep one.

I haven’t forgotten the wives of the transitioning trans women. I can’t forget them, since I’m one of them now. As many of you probably know, and as some of you don’t, Betty has finally, at long last, started taking the steps to live fulltime, legally, as her female self.  Just as I dragged her out crossdressed the first times and put her private self on the cover of a book, I was the one who had to shove her off the fence she’d been straddling because she knew – oh, did she know – how hard this was for me. One of the advantages of being Betty isn’t – contrary to popular opinion – being partnered to me. It’s in hearing all the stories of all of your partners though me: the grief, the anger, the love. She’s heard the panic in the voice of the wife who has young children and a husband who has just told her he needs to transition. She’s heard the anger in the voice of the wife whose husband has just cleared out their 401k to pay for transition. She’s heard the frustration in the voice of the wife whose trans partner lost her job. Since she knew so much, she was reluctant to forge forward, and I was reduced to putting estrogen in her orange juice… oh wait, that’s the Fictionmania story I was working on. Shoot. Where was I?

Some of those wives who I hear from go their own way eventually, and Betty knew that. She also knew that the best case scenario can be a friendship after the marriage is over if the breakup hasn’t gone too badly. Because she knows, too, that sometimes a spouse just has to go because there are too many other things going on in her life and in the marriage; she knows that sometimes watching someone you love unpack 30+ years of repression and shame is more than a person can take, and when you’re also unpacking anger, and substance abuse, and lies and kinks and changes in sexual orientation… well, that’s a helluva lot to ask anyone to manage through.

Hesitant maybe isn’t the word for her then. Gunshy? Terrified? Smart. “You know what a cautious guy I am,” Indiana Jones once intoned, and us wives, we’re a little like Marcus, jittery and all too aware that the world is full of snakes. So Betty hung around for a while, too feminine to pass as male anymore but still legally male, until one day she nearly wasn’t let on a plane with her current ID and I said “enough already” and then later “isn’t it time for you to transition, doll?” and while she had socially transitioned already, her ID was starting to look like some guy’s she no longer bore any resemblance to. It was only then that we realized the binary would have its way with us, and so we’re doing the least possible to make her life on paper look a little more like her life in the flesh. As Indiana Jones also intoned: “Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?’

Because it does. A wife I’ve become friends with over the years asked her husband recently, “why is there always one more thing? Why, after helping you pick out a wig and doing your nails is there some other request? Why, when I’ve gotten used to his crossdressing, does he have to ask for something else? Why do I always get the feeling that he’s got a checklist somewhere and that as soon as we cross off one he’s got another to take care of?”

I didn’t have an answer. Neither did her husband. Betty didn’t push me. But having gone from a supportive but cranky girlfriend of a straight drag queen – which is how Betty identified when we first met – to the morose, sometimes angry wife of a transgender person who was terrified to tell me she needed to transition, to the happily out and queer identified partner I am today, it’s very clear that what we often need is some time to adjust. Being with someone who is trans can feel a lot like being a lowlander moving to the Himalayas: we’ve got to prepare for the reality of the trans equivalent of altitude sickness. We need to stand on plateaus whenever we can find them for long enough to get our breath back before we can start to climb again.  What we all need is a good Sherpa, but what we have in the meantime is each other. I’ve got to see when she’s making nutty decisions because there isn’t enough oxygen going to her brain, and she’s got to see when I’m about to pass out from exhaustion.

Adventure metaphors aside, being the partner of a person undergoing transition – and I use that word in the way Reid Vanderbergh does, to mean any gender transition, from man to crossdresser or from crossdresser to transsexual or from transsexual to woman, or from boy to man or M2M or genderqueeer to man – often requires a complete transformation of self, and with it, a complete change of expectations, gender roles, romantic roles. Sometimes even our friends have to change, and sometimes we have to create family because the ones we were born into don’t accept the trans. In other words, we make all the same changes you do, except backwards and in more comfortable shoes. Don’t get me started on the shoe selections, ladies.

And while we’re all going to brace ourselves for the stories of the relationships that went south, of the wife who used the transness as a bludgeon during the divorce or the custody trial, of the people who transition so fast they don’t even know what the hell they were thinking and only years later realize how hard it must have been for their loves ones to see their beloved husband / father / brother / best friend change genders, we can try to encourage the media to put the couples who’ve made it into the public eye. And while that may often mean cleaning the rotten tomatoes out of your hair afterwards, and sharing the spotlight with even weirder, rarer species than trans couples – (aside to Jenny Boylan): Who were you on Oprah with this time around, Jenny, a juggling bear? – We’ll get to the point where our families and relationships won’t be so rare that our phones won’t ring the month before sweeps weeks. Or at least I hope they won’t, because goddamned if I’m going to be on a show with that skateboarding dog.

Thank you.

“We have no right to interfere with the woman’s instinct to make herself beautiful. Rather we should encourage it, and should carefully instruct her in her impressionable years as to what real beauty is. It is almost safe to say that at present the principle by which the modern woman is guided in deciding the great questions of feminine attire is imitation. Incidentally, we may remark that nobody profits by such a mistaken foundation except the manufacturer, who moves the women of the world about like pawns on a chessboard merely to benefit his business. The society woman brings the latest thing “from Paris.” The large New York establishments sell to their patrons copies of “Paris models.” The middle-class shops and the middle-class women copy the copies. The cheap shops and the poor women copy the copy of the copy. Every copy is made of less worthy material than its model, of gaudier colors, with cheaper trimmings, until we have the pitiful spectacle of girls who earn barely enough to keep body and soul together spending their money for garments neither suitable nor durable—sleazy, shabby after a single wearing, short-lived—yet for a few ephemeral minutes “up to date.”"

90 years later, & nothing has changed, has it?

1. A NYT article about lesbian communes:
   

   Behind a locked gate whose security code is changed frequently, the women pursue quiet lives in a community they call Alapine, largely unnoticed by their Bible Belt neighbors — a lost tribe from the early ’70s era of communes and radical feminism.

2. The DABA Girls’ blog (DABA stands for Dating a Banker Anonymous. Briefly, this blog is the whining of women who are used to dating rich guys whose dates are a lot more broke than they were a year ago.)
   
3. Why Natalie Dylan is selling her virginity
4. Queercents’ series on transgender finances

(thanks to Joanne for the first three)

All the info you need is below the break.

In evening attire (gowns, dresses, nice slacks preferred but not required) you step into a private ballroom surrounded by friendly faces, stunning decor, cash bar and fantastic music by the beautiful and fun FemmeFever DJLisa / Performances / TG Fashion Show Promised to entertain /Professional Photographer . A full course dinner (of your choice) will be served to you, white glove service – and you will have a choice as to what you order. This is a Transgender Event that brings significant others, lady and gentlemen admirers and friends of the trans community as well as over 100 transgender gals in unison for an evening of elegance that is filled with laughter, dancing and an enjoyable show featuring some top entertainment TBA, along with give-aways for all.. All who are friendly to us are welcome to join us. After midnight, the party continues in the hotel’s friendly lounge, with our own DJ spinning dance music for all. Last years Gala Ball had 132 attendees! Don’t miss it!

Although there will be no assigned seating, you may – if you wish – get there at any time before the Ball and “save” seats at a table to sit with friends (just place a note) . Anywhere you sit – you will make friends though! There will be a few “couples” tables reserved for those who wish to sit with other couples and these tables will be clearly marked. IF you would like to reserve a TABLE for your group, you may do so by contacting me when or after you pay for your tickets. The FemmFever Gala Ball will be held in the Private & Lovely Crystal Ballroom (you will see a sign upon entering the hotel) which is directly right off the door into the hotel. This event begins at 8:00 p.m. and ends at 12:00 a.m. at which time you are welcome to “party on” with the others in the hotel’s friendly (mixed) lounge with DJ Lisa at no charge of course. We have had this event at this LGBT Friendly hotel in the past and the attendees were happy with everything about the event and the hotel. This hotel offers free shuttle service from the LIRR and the Islip Airport. Let them you your needs and they will give you all information needed to make your trip easy. There is also a rental car desk for those traveling in who are staying a while.

For those of you staying over at the hotel (or near enough to come back in the morning), the dining area has a breakfast/brunch on Sunday morning which many of the gals will be at. Why not make plans to meet up there? Announcements will also be made at the Ball regarding times the group can meet up if they like. Drab or Dressed – it is always nice to get together!

A block of rooms at the special rate of $89 is being held for us for the evening. When booking a room, it is best to call the hotel direct and be sure to tell them you are with the FemmeFever – Block # AJ3. Hotel website and phone: www.holidayinn.com/longislandny (631) 585-9500 – Be sure to book a room soon as there is limited availability at that special rate (remember, this is a Saturday evening and rates are normally higher). You may share a room and feel free to use the FemmeFever yahoo group to arrange that if you like. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/femmefever.

There will also be a section of our private ballroom curtained (near convenient in ballroom bathrooms) off for your use to change free of charge before and after the grand event if you like. Hangers and racks and a table will be there for your convenience as well.

Want to look perfect for this event? Professional makeovers by Karen and her trained assistant are available by making an appointment. These makeovers will be done in Karen’s suite at the Holiday Inn itself at a fee of $65 for makeup application; wig style, false lashes included if you like..

Our DJ Lisa (a trans gal herself) will be spinning great music for us throughout. I hope you will all use that dance floor! Nervous about the walk from room to ballroom (if not using the ballroom changing area) ? One of the gals will pick you up at your room and walk you down if you like!

Professional photographer (who you may know from previous Ball) Efrain aka “Gonzo” will have a table set up at the Ball and be available to take professional portrait pictures of individuals or groups. He is trustworthy, sweet and discreet and will give you your photos right then and there at an extremely fair cost.

TICKETS:
Tickets are $72 and sold in ADVANCE. Please note that we do have a “cap” on number of tickets sold so please do not procrastinate – get your tickets TODAY! There will be a limit of 10 tickets sold at the door $85; first come first get IF we do not sell out before March 29th. . There will be notice of this on the Femme Fever website so you know if tix are still available. Tickets may be purchased by cash, check/money order (made out to KL Enterprise Inc or to cash NOT TO FemmeFever!) , paypal, visa or master card. You can pick them up at femmefever events and/or at femmefever studio – call in advance……have them mailed to you or held at the Ball door for you. You can order online (see below) OR by phone , OR by sending an email with info to me, or by mail (KL Entrerprise Inc; PO Box 203; Levittown, NY 11756) OR in person by coming by to see me by appointment.

Any questions not covered here? Call me at 516 520 0380 or email me at Karen@femmefever.com and I will be happy to help you in any way I can!