I wrote this recently in response to a question, or an assertion, that nobody chooses to be born trans, but that often, the advice is that you can choose what to do about it. My wife says that a lot, and it makes some trans people unhappy. The way she puts it: you got a shit hand, but you still get to decide how to play it.
Whether or not transition itself is a choice is an idea I will leave for another day. But here, in a nutshell, are some basic tenets I hope are useful.
does it matter why?
i don’t know what trans is – genetic, medical condition, etc.
no one makes any distinction between nature/nurture anymore. nature is what? DNA? as in, something made out of protein that is created within a physical environment which is impacted by all our culture. just forget it. that binary is over, done with.
are people trans?
do they need to transition?
should they own their shit & do so as responsibly as possible?
should cis people start to fucking understand transness is not going anywhere, that it IS, in the same way that, say, queerness IS?
if you got married & you’re trans & you’re going to transition you’re going to wreck your wife’s life, pretty much. own it. minimize the damage however you can.
your life was already wrecked by transphobia and represssion and who knows what else.
your transition will give you the chance to change in a way that you’re looking forward to. your wife may, in turn, change her life into something she wants, too, but in either case, you will both experience a great deal of loss. none of it is fair, not a damn thing about it, & not for anyone.
but stop, STOP, making it all about you. if there is anything i say to trans people all the time that none of you listen to – & that includes my lovely spouse – that is it.
as she likes to say: trans people make Narcissus weep.