Make Her Toast

No, really, it’s on the list of bad sex advice tips from Cosmo as compiled by Jezebel. You know, equal opportunity goofiness.

Here are a few favorites:

21. Take a pearl necklace and “…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.”
Just don’t tell Mother. She’s still cross about the time she caught you rimming the good china.

23. “Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.”
Here’s a second take on that one: don’t try facial intercourse.

31. “Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”
Did you know that ladies love chocolate?

Great: now I can’t get the visual of someone sticking their penis into a jar of Nutella out of my head.