Comments on: When It’s Time To Go http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/2009/12/31/when-its-time-to-go/ helen boyd's journal of gender & trans issues Wed, 08 Feb 2012 01:17:33 -0500 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 By: shinybike52 http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/2009/12/31/when-its-time-to-go/comment-page-1/#comment-63075 shinybike52 Sat, 09 Jan 2010 05:54:04 +0000 http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/?p=9505#comment-63075 Helen Chapel leaves a powerful comment here. When to leave...Such an interesting question. I remember a study I read in a class on the sociology of intimate relationships. In lesbian couples, the woman with more power in the relationship was the one who was less emotionally invested. Among gay men, the man with more power was the one making more money. Occasionally I wonder if my lack of success with long-term relationships is due to my tendency to keep my cards close, to try to keep the power, being aloof and playing games, versus revealing all and feeling vulnerable. It's hard to declare your love while keeping up the cool. And I know it's been the reason for a few of my break-ups in the past. A perceived lack of emotional engagement. Rough stuff, these relationships in life. This is my first time on this blog. Excellent stuff here. -Grad student in Madison Helen Chapel leaves a powerful comment here. When to leave…Such an interesting question. I remember a study I read in a class on the sociology of intimate relationships. In lesbian couples, the woman with more power in the relationship was the one who was less emotionally invested. Among gay men, the man with more power was the one making more money. Occasionally I wonder if my lack of success with long-term relationships is due to my tendency to keep my cards close, to try to keep the power, being aloof and playing games, versus revealing all and feeling vulnerable. It’s hard to declare your love while keeping up the cool. And I know it’s been the reason for a few of my break-ups in the past. A perceived lack of emotional engagement. Rough stuff, these relationships in life.

This is my first time on this blog. Excellent stuff here.

-Grad student in Madison

]]> By: helenchapel http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/2009/12/31/when-its-time-to-go/comment-page-1/#comment-63041 helenchapel Fri, 01 Jan 2010 17:27:10 +0000 http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/?p=9505#comment-63041 Hi Helen I was in a relationship for six years and in almost every respect I was happy. We had so much in common we shared a similar sense of humour and we had fun, our tastes in food, music, films, art was different but compatible in a contrasting way which is interesting rather than intollerant. Even my then fledgling journey into crossdressing was met with mild confusion but mainly acceptance so when was it time to go? Ever since the beginning of the relationship my girlfriend suffered from a problem which at first I didn't even realise was a problem. However she was very insecure and needy and wanted to keep me in a sort of cacoon where no-one else could make me laugh or interest me for any real length of time. When I shared my frustration at this, it would end up in an argument. However this was not just an argument it was an irrational anger and frustration which led to my not being able to get a word in against a tirade of shouting in my face, this was also punctuated with swearing and totally false accusations. Eventually after hours and hours of this emotional abuse and her anger had been spent. There followed incredible remorse and guilt. As a result I would forgive her and we would move on....until the next time, eventually I came to realise after six years and this happening every two months or so that my future was to live with someone who can only get their own way or communicate with anger and persistant arguing. I tried everything, books, councilling for her, trials and different strategies but in the end it was more ruining my life than healing hers and I had this doomed feeling that in order to keep her I would have to accept this and it would always be the pattern to our life. One time around 2:00am in the morning after hours of being shouted at and followed from room to room I went to leave the house (as I often had no choice but to do in the end) she stood in front of my car slamming her fists on the bonnet denting it and crying and pleading for me not to leave. It was heartbreacking yet also scary and I knew it was time to go. It wasn't easy, I loved her but it was abuse no question and I eventually I had to leave. I know its not exactly about transgender conflict but as you say all relationships have this question to consider and I hope my situation might offer something for others Helen Chapel Hi Helen
I was in a relationship for six years and in almost every respect I was happy. We had so much in common we shared a similar sense of humour and we had fun, our tastes in food, music, films, art was different but compatible in a contrasting way which is interesting rather than intollerant. Even my then fledgling journey into crossdressing was met with mild confusion but mainly acceptance so when was it time to go?

Ever since the beginning of the relationship my girlfriend suffered from a problem which at first I didn’t even realise was a problem. However she was very insecure and needy and wanted to keep me in a sort of cacoon where no-one else could make me laugh or interest me for any real length of time. When I shared my frustration at this, it would end up in an argument. However this was not just an argument it was an irrational anger and frustration which led to my not being able to get a word in against a tirade of shouting in my face, this was also punctuated with swearing and totally false accusations. Eventually after hours and hours of this emotional abuse and her anger had been spent. There followed incredible remorse and guilt. As a result I would forgive her and we would move on….until the next time, eventually I came to realise after six years and this happening every two months or so that my future was to live with someone who can only get their own way or communicate with anger and persistant arguing. I tried everything, books, councilling for her, trials and different strategies but in the end it was more ruining my life than healing hers and I had this doomed feeling that in order to keep her I would have to accept this and it would always be the pattern to our life.

One time around 2:00am in the morning after hours of being shouted at and followed from room to room I went to leave the house (as I often had no choice but to do in the end) she stood in front of my car slamming her fists on the bonnet denting it and crying and pleading for me not to leave. It was heartbreacking yet also scary and I knew it was time to go. It wasn’t easy, I loved her but it was abuse no question and I eventually I had to leave.

I know its not exactly about transgender conflict but as you say all relationships have this question to consider and I hope my situation might offer something for others

Helen Chapel

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