In response to this last post, I received this short email:

“My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser”

This is where you loose me Helen. You say you don’t use words like “Husband or Wife”….but then you write books using that exact terminology.

Very confusing.

I responded:

I wrote that book 6 years ago. My thinking is surely allowed to change, no?

He responded:

Convenient. No?

& I responded:

Is that how you’d talk to Betty about her decision to transition? That it was “convenient”?

My partner was a self-identified straight drag queen when we met, with a male identity.

She is living as a woman & doing what paperwork she can to reflect that.

One of the reasons I can’t & don’t use “husband” anymore is because people then start using “he” pronouns about my partner. She is not a he. To avoid that, I avoid the gendered terminology that leads to it.

When she had a genderqueer/androgynous presentation, she didn’t mind mixing up the pronouns – as I did in the 2nd book. Now, “he” chafes her, doesn’t fit.

So sue me for having had to make adjustments – especially ones that are entirely out of consideration of my partner’s gender.

Please don’t write back. Your response was rude beyond belief. I shouldn’t be justifying it with a response at all, but I like to give people a fair shake.

If I stop using “husband” then it’s somehow just “convenient” that I’m doing so. Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with my partner’s change in gender! *sigh* I’m having one of those days.

6 Replies to “Inconvenient”

  1. I love it when people reveal their basic inflexibility and adherence to inner dogmas.

    I’ll stick with Helen thank you very much. I like it when people evolve.

  2. OK, one more thing. there is NOTHING “convenient” about any of this Transgendered/Transition stuff for anyone involved in it; we are by nature inconvenient people who don’t conform to unquestioned “traditions” or social mores, not that there aren’t times it might be a lot easier to.
    (stepping off soapbox)

  3. I particularly like the construction “You say you don’t use words” … “then you write books” which implies a completely fictitious timeline to support the absurd allegation. It’s so disappointing when people get caught up in trying to find flaws in delivery that they miss the message altogether!

    Oh, well. I appreciated your post because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one struggling with this exact issue. I agree that partner is probably the best of the obvious options, but I suspect we’ll stumble through using different terminology in different circumstances until something starts to feel comfortable. So long as we remember to laugh about it along the way I think we’ll do fine.

  4. Wow. What a jerkasaurus.
    Not only that, but when someone writes “loose” when they mean “lose”, they LOSE all credibility anyway.

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