Diane

The letter I would love to see would have to come from my own former partner. Somehow we were both able to take stock of our own wants and needs, and realizing they couldn’t be fulfilled with each each other, moved on…and yet we remain best friends (and after a lengthy separation, are even roommates again). It was easier for me because I had the prospect of the life I had always wanted ahead of me. She thought she had the life she wanted and now she has to go looking for it all over again. I honestly don’t know how he she managed it all.

But I still can’t do that, & we both know why: too many of them do.

Panic is a rational response to a piece of knowledge that rocks one’s entire perception of one’s life and marriage. An attempt to “calm down” a terrified wife to me sounds like trying to suppress her valid emotions. Even if her spouse does not transition, it’s a seismic shift in the marriage. She should be encouraged to experience and acknowledge the full range of emotions this brings up.

I can see why people who try to “calm down” a panicking wife wouldn’t like chapter 5. It’s a harsh reality. But sugar-coating it can only delay pain, it doesn’t alleviate pain. What do your critics suggest, you simply leave out the possibility that their husband will ever want to transition? Denying that possibility led me to marry into a situation I thought I could “handle”.

Even as an “accepting” partner of a crossdresser, in the early years of my former relationship, I always wanted my spouse to dress a little less often and she always wanted more, so there was rarely a happy balance. And “success” in our relationship was always when I, the wife, learned to be comfortable with more crossdressing than what I wanted and my spouse had to compromise less.

I think a wife should be given a realistic picture of what her life most likely will look like, which is often fraught with negotiated compromises that are deeply painful to both parties. Not an idealized picture of a rarely-achieved mutually fulfilling balance.

Helen, I guess with my posts here I am writing my letter to a newly-processing wife. Thanks for making the discussion possible, I hope this can be a resource as a full range of perspective to wives who are struggling.

& because the complaint has come across, lo these many years, that my Chapter 5 “unnecessarily” panics wives of crossdressers who will stay crossdressers.

Still, this is good dialogue. I’d like to hear from more partners, former partners, etc.

If either of you want to write a letter you think would be better suited to the wife of a CD who has just found out, I’d be happy to put it up here.

Also Helen, I know this is not your perspective, and I know YOU have gone about your process in such a thoughtful way, with a 360 degree perspective, and I have witnessed every step with a huge amount of admiration for you. I’m really reacting to the tone of the letter, but I was surprised a little that your presented it in a way I thought was positive, but what I now understand was meant to be neutral

As “Katie”, the subject of MHB’s “infamous chapter 5″, I’d be happy to talk to anyone who would like more of an initial debriefing without an agenda of preserving the marriage “at all costs”. If this letter is an example of the generally available advice women are getting (and I realize this is the SPICE/Tri-Ess perspective) I’d really like to be available as an alternative – as I know you are, Helen.

If anyone wants to email me, Helen has my email address and is welcome to share it.

And Helen, while your oeuvre suggests otherwise, your introductory paragraphs read as tacit approval. Heck, it took me 24 hours to decide if and what I should write in this space…and in the end I decided maybe you had ulterior motives for posting it the way you did.

Please note that I didn’t say I agree with this letter, and there’s a reason I pointed out that I met Shirene at SPICE (which is a Tri Ess event). I don’t want to criticize it at length because I think you two have both pointed out its flaws.

I agree that it puts way more pressure on the spouse than on the CD, & I’ve got a (feminist) problem with that, as well. It takes a lot of communication and a deep understanding of yourself, your partner, & both of your relationship needs to make it work.

In other words, there’s a reason I wrote 300 pages on the subject; My Husband Betty is, in a sense, my “letter to a wife who just found out.”

I hate for my first interaction here to be one of discontent, but I profoundly disagree with the tone and content of Shirene’s letter. I have no doubt she really does have Jill’s best interests at heart, and I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with a SO coming to appreciate a spouse’s gender expression (whatever flavor that may take), but there’s absolutely nothing in this communication that would make a wife feel better about herself if it turns out she can’t arrive at a place of acceptance. As you well know, there is a lot of pressure on wives to keep their families together and their marriages strong, no matter what, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness in the process…and this letter reads like that.

Not only does it push the homophobia button, but it hits the suicide button, the “they were born this way and it’s not their fault button”, and the “it’s not as bad as being with an abusive husband/boyfriend” button. These are not persuasive arguments, they’re guilt-trips.

I’m not saying a SO should call up the divorce lawyer as soon as she finds a bra in her husband’s laundry. I’m not saying a husband and wife shouldn’t work together to understand each other. I’m not saying that compromises can’t or shouldn’t be made to keep the relationship strong. I definitely think it’s good that the SOs know about the support resources that are available to them. But I think they should also be encouraged to explore what happiness means for them, and to defend that position if that’s truly what they want out of a relationship.