As those of you who are reading/have read She’s Not the Man I Married know, Valentine’s Day has always been some kind of locus of confusion for me & Betty. We’re in much better shape now than we once were, though when we’re planning dinner, or just having the “So what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day?” conversation, there’s still this silent thing that hangs in the air.
That silent thing is what gender Betty is going to be, which she’ll be perceived as, & how exactly I’m supposed to interact with that gender.
Mostly now I try to go into Valentine’s Day assuming that the person I’m with will be seen as female, which pretty much wrecks the PDAs that I prefer. Sometimes the reality that I really miss having a male partner lands squarely in my lap on Valentine’s Day, too, so I have to wrestle with the guilt and fear I still fear in having a trans partner. The thing is, I still don’t know how to be romantic with her if I’m not feeling masculine-ascendant myself; I don’t know how to be female with a female partner. & This year, maybe because I’m feeling vulnerable because the new book is out there, or because we’re going to have “the big talk” about Betty’s transness with some important people in our lives, I’m feeling a bit – intrepid.
Sometimes I just think Valentine’s Day should be tossed altogether. I mean all it does is make single people miserable and puts a lot of pressure on couples that are newly together – well, on all couples, I think. I mean how many of us are the types in the jewelry ads, having dinner & being presented with the new diamond solitaire? No one I know is like that, but kudos to anyone who is. But for me, this year, despite a planned dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant, my feeling is:
Down with Cupid!
lyrics to “The Man Who Murdered Love”
by XTC, from the CD Wasp Star
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
He was begging on his bended knee
For me to put him from his misery
He hadn’t worked at all this century
Said I’d do a job for all humanity
I put a bullet in his sugar head
He thanked me kindly then he layed down dead
Phoney roses blossomed where he bled
Then all the cheering angels shook my hand and said
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
There’ll be no more pain from broken hearts
And no more lovers to be torn apart
Before you throw me in your dungeon dark
Your honour, they’ll be putting statues up in every park
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
So dear public I’m here to confess
That I’m the one who freed us from this mess
Love won’t be calling at your adress
‘Cause what you never had you never miss, I guess
I’m the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
I love you, doll.
I will be using my deepest voice and engaging in as many public displays of affection as possible. I’m so proud of you. In love with you. Happy to be with you.
If Andy Partridge can murder cupid, I can murder gender.
I love you.
oh my dear friend’s you have gone and made me cry…..
All love and kisses from Lizzy and DJ this icky slippery valentines day
Hugs and kisses from both of us – this made me cry as well…
DOWN WITH IT!
Why feel rotten over a holiday? Look at it this way – God decided to give you a crack at another great day. I’m not “with” anyone, and am not very hopeful of affecting that status (on account of trans issues). Even so, I’m thankful that I was presented with the opportunity to enjoy this holiday. I cooked myself a great breakfast, and baked a loaf of homemade bread. I’m enjoying the snowfall (along with the pets), and am getting a lot of productive work done on my book. Yesterday, I had a Valentines Day dinner with an old friend who recently summoned up the courage to leave her abusive husband, and was tickled when the flowers that I gave her brought a smile to her face.
It’s true that you have more with which to cope on account of your partner’s gender issues, but there has to be a lot of reality that is just plain happy, exciting, satisfying and comforting.
Everything depends on perspective. I could easily be miserable today, but instead, I’m remembering all of the things for which I can be thankful, and am making the most of another glorious day.
Christine
One other thing: I don’t think that love is what you get from another person. Love is what you succeed in giving to others that makes their life a little bit brighter.
We don’t celebrate it. At least, I don’t. Lu might buy me flowers or chocolate bc she feels she has to, and I appreciate it, but really I’d prefer she just come home so I can see her, instead of making a stop on the way home from work. I’d rather get flowers on a random Tuesday, or extra romance when we’re just feeling extra romantic. Or, I’d rather set aside a day that is our day. I enjoy our anniversary because it actually means something. And I wouldn’t mind putting aside an oddball holiday like secretaries day or groundhog day, and celebrating that as our arbitrary love day. In fact, I think I’d enjoy that (note to self…). But I don’t believe in allowing hallmark holidays to dictate how I should feel and when I should feel it. Valentine’s Day is just the romance version of New Year’s eve, which I also hate. It’s a set-up for failure. And though I may be convinced on occasion to go through the motions (flowers, chocolate, dinner, and sex are, of course, all good things in their own right) — I never truly engage. Maybe because I was so soured to it as a single. Maybe because I’m a non-conformist at heart. Maybe because I’m just a grinch November through February (and if I’m not careful, that period could get extended straight through to my early March birthday… but that’s okay, the Ides will perk me up
)
Anyway you cut it, VDay gets an enthusiastic thumbs down from me.
But the snow is fun.
Betty’s response to Helen’s very raw and honest entry = One of the most romantic things ever. Just saying.