Bitch Does Feminism

This month’s issue of Bitch magazine, which is celebrating the magazine’s 10th anniversary, has a tidy little article on the history and definitions of feminism. It goes from Suffrage to the “I’m not a feminist, but…” waves of feminism, describing key points, debates, activists/writers and texts. It’s very much worth reading if you’re new to feminism, so you can parse the difference between a radical feminist and a sex radical and a pro-sex feminist.
Do check it out. It looks like this:
bitch mag

Five Questions With… Arlene Istar Lev

Arlene Istar Lev LCSW, CASAC, is a social worker, family therapist, educator, and writer whose work addresses the unique therapeutic needs of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. She is the founder of Choices Counseling and Consulting (www.choicesconsulting.com) in Albany, New York, providing family therapy for LGBT people. She is also on the adjunct faculties of S.U.N.Y. Albany, School of Social Welfare, and Vermont College of the Union Institute and University. She is the author of The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide (Penguin Press, 2004) and Transgender Emergence: Therapeutic Guidelines for Working with Gender-Variant People and their Families (Haworth Press, 2004). Additionally, she maintains a :Dear Ari” advice column, which is currently published in Proud Parenting and Transgender Tapestry. She is also the Founder and Project Manager for Rainbow Access Initiative, a training program on LGBT issues for therapists and medical professionals, and a Board Member for the Family Pride Coalition. Her “In a Family Way” column on LGBT parenting issues is nationally syndicated.
arlene istar lev
< Arlene Istar Lev
1. You work a lot with LGBT parenting issues. What do you see as the major differences between LGB parents and T parents?
Lesbian and gay parents deal with numerous issues of oppression, and depending on the state or locality in which they live, this can be minor issues of societal ignorance, to huge issues of public and legal discrimination. However, as difficult as the issues facing lesbian, gay, and bisexual people may be, they pale in comparison to the blatant oppression transgender and transsexual parents face.
In many states, lesbian and gay people can now jointly legally adopt their children as out same-sex couples; this provides their children with many benefits and protections. However, transgender people experience discrimination in all routine areas of family life. Judges determining parental custody will rarely award custody to out trans people, except possibly in cities like San Francisco that specifically offer transgender protections. Trans people are viewed by the courts as unfit by the virtue of their (trans)gender status. Additionally, adoption agencies do not see transgender people as “fit” to be parents, and the obstacles faced by transgender people wanting to be parents can feel insurmountable.
Lesbian and gay people have fought for the right to become parents. I remember a time when simply being an out lesbian would bias a judge’s custody decision. Although there are some localities where this still would be true, even in upstate New York in rural communities, judges minimize the issues of sexual orientation in making custody decisions. However, I cannot imagine the same being true regarding gender transition. In my book, The Complete Lesbian and Gay Parenting Guide, a transwoman tells the painful story of losing custody of her son after her crossdressing was used to “prove” that she was a deviant and a pervert. The legal status of trans people, regarding their rights to their children, is reminiscent of LGB legal rights 40 years ago.
However, there is good news to report. Trans parents are coming out of the closet in increasing numbers. Many trans people who have positive relationships with spouses and ex-spouses are finding ways to parent together and address the issues the gender-transpositions can have on family life. Increasing numbers of people are choosing to have children as out trans people. Some FTMs are getting pregnant, placing medical personnel in a position to work with pregnant men, creating a radical and challenging new phase of queer parenting. Additionally, many MTFs are storing sperm before transition, so they are able to have biological children as the sperm donor/father with a female partner. Clearly, LGBT people have developed innovative family-building forms, and I suspect we are only at the beginning of this process.
There is, of course, no reason that a trans person could not be as competent a parent as any other person, but like LGB people, they will likely have to “prove” that to the powers that be. In my experience, children take gender transitions in stride; it is adults who find the whole issue confusing and shocking. Older children might have more difficulties accepting gender changes, particularly as they near their own puberty. It is my contention however, that families can weather many challenging issues, and transgender status is no more, or less, challenging then other issues that families face.
Continue reading “Five Questions With… Arlene Istar Lev”

Tired Dyke, Shopping

First: crossdressers, if there’s a day you shy ones want to go out & buy yourself lingerie, make it Valentine’s Day. There were all sorts of fumbling, sheepish, weirded-out guys in Macy’s today buying last minute Valentine’s gifts, to whom I wanted to say: Now really, even if you’re not a crossdresser, isn’t this really for you, anyway? Why don’t you go get yourself a pair of silky boxer shorts & objectify yourself for her instead?!
But I didn’t. So as is usual, I probably looked a little cranky as I walked up to the register with a handful – a handful, mind you – of underwear for Betty. And as the woman pushed the buttons, she happened to notice they were all smalls, and shot one glance at my ample butt, and I’d felt somehow she managed to press a button that made the word DYKE appear on my forehead.
So, yeah.

Bait & Switch

The use of the word ‘transgender’ to mean ‘transsexual’ seems to have become common parlance, such as in this brief blurb about Larry King’s upcoming interview with Felicity Huffman:

Wednesday, February 15 — Larry King Live — CNN 9:00 p.m.
“Felicity Huffman and Dolly Parton of ‘Transamerica.’ Plus, people
who’ve had transgender operations take us inside their world.”

And I have to say, this is probably the worst case I’ve seen. I can understand why transsexual individuals might want to use transgender when they’re transitioning at work, but c’mon! – if the whole point is to talk to people who’ve had “the surgery” then just use transsexual, please.
Because now, more often than not, when I talk to someone less-informed (ie, of the media) I often tell them briefly about our situation. This is how the conversation will go:
Person: Your husband isn’t transgender, though, right?
Me: Yes, Betty is transgender.
Person: So she’s had the surgery?
Me: Uh, no. Transgender isn’t the same as transsexual. Transgender is an umbrella term, blah blah blah…
Anyway, nothing to get hell-bent about, but it does bother me transsexualism and transition-track is effectively eclipsing all the other ways of being trans – and there are other ways of being trans, dammit.

Happy Valentine's

When I was single, which seems a long time ago now, I hated Valentine’s Day. One glorious year, I had forgotten about it entirely. I went to work that day like it was any other day and I didn’t think about who I wasn’t dating or who I was dating who would no doubt do something horrible to ruin it. I remember having a pleasant day at work and starting the walk up Christopher Street to the subway in the cold and seeing a line of people standing outside. And I honestly thought, for one quick minute, what is so important that those fools are freezing in line for? And then it hit me, like a ton of truffles: they were standing on line outside the famous Li-Lac chocolate store because it was Valentine’s Day. And after trying to make fun of those shivering fools for a bit, I gave up and realized I had been much happier when I didn’t know it was Valentine’s Day.
I wish that for all of you who don’t have a Valentine – to just go about your day, as happy as a clam. The irony of course is that this post of mine might have been the thing that reminded you of it. If so, I apologize. Go get a massage or buy yourself chocolates or eat that pint of Ben & Jerry’s. If there’s a guilt-free day to indulge yourself, this is it.
I don’t really like Valentine’s Day much better now as I always feel this weird social pressure to be the woman, or the girlfriend, or the {insert traditional feminine gender role here}. This year, Betty and I are thinking we might reverse things, or make things normal, for us. That is, I get to buy the flowers and pull chairs and open doors. The only problem is, I’m still the one who likes chocolates, and we both like silk lingerie, and I’m not quite cool & groovy with my butch side yet. It’s natural, but after repressing it for so long, it still feels weird, and likewise for Betty, so we end up either both of us waiting for the other one to get the door, or both of us grabbing the door to open it, at the same time.
That is, we have no idea what we’re doing in this gender nebulous space. We’re always guessing and second guessing what the ‘correctly gendered’ role is, and what we actually feel naturally, and then trying to figure out if those two things align or don’t.
So for the record: I do want chocolates. Betty does want underwear. And after that, I have no idea. I would like to think we might be creative about how to combine eating chocolates and taking off underwear, perhaps.

Change of Plans

As I previously reported, Betty just got a part in a new play called Wolfpit (about which we’re very excited) except that it opens Friday & Saturday night, April 7th & 8th.
Which is the same weekend as the IFGE Conference, which we were intending to go to.
So just so you all know: Betty will not be attending the conference at all, and I’ll only go in order to do my workshops on Thursday and Friday (both in the 2-3:15 slot), which means I’ll be around Wednesday night until about 4pm Friday.
Apologies to anyone who was hoping to meet us ensemble.

Name Server Re-Direct

We changed hosts for this website not long ago, but as it turns out – there was a door waiting to hit us on the way out. The name servers were not re-directed to point to our new hosts, and so we’ve had to re-direct them. Any change like that takes anything between 6-24 hours to propagate through the Internets. As a result, I haven’t had access to the site for the last 24+ hours, and even now it’s somewhat erratic.
Hopefully things will be back to normal shortly. Remember to dump your cache to get back to the site.

Last Minute Cut

As it turns out, we were cut from Inside Edition at the last minute due to some “late breaking news.” The plan is to show our clip at some other time, but I have no idea when.
And in the meantime, Betty auditioned for and got a role in a play called Wolfpit today. More news as we get it.