Typical? Yes.

Posted by – October 18, 2005

I received this email through one of the partners’ groups I’m in, and I thought it was a perfect articulation of the kind of thing I’ve heard happen over and over again. She called it “Bait and Switch” which is a term I’ve used more than once in describing what it was like to go from accepting Betty as a TG to watching her wonder if she would transition.

I feel deceived.

I met my husband online – over 4 years ago. I was looking for a BDSM relationship – I wanted to be dominated. Jack* responded to my ad – and with a few emails it seemed like we might make a good fit. A few long phone calls full of “me too’s” and giggles – and finally a real date. We really hit it off!

So, we share with each other, our fantasies, our wishes, our dreams. It’s all so lovely.

He liked to dress me. Take me shopping. Put me in clothes and shoes I’d NEVER have picked out myself. Made me feel sexy and admired… wow! I ate it up!!!!

He mentioned that he’d dressed up as a woman once or twice – but felt like he made such a horrible version of the female gender he’d not done it anymore.

So, once in awhile, when we’d feel like dressing up in some fetish wear – he’d slip into a skirt. Then he began to order high heel boots for himslef online. And, while shopping with me and in the women’s underwear department – he asked if I’d mind if he bought himself a pair or two of silky, ladies underwear. Of course I said “sure” – who could resist wearing such comfy silky things – more power to him.

I’ve been openly accepting – encouraging even. Everytime he’s left alone in the house – he dresses up. Now he does it everytime we have the house to ourselves. Whatever… if it makes him happy – right?

But – then there’s me. He doesn’t dress me up anymore. He doesn’t admire me. He’s obsessed with shopping for his clothes, finding new outfits. He seems to think it turns me on – when it certainly does not! He doesn’t understand why I’ve lost my entire labido – I have NO desire for sex – because he does’t turn me on at all… I’m feeling more and more seperated, lonely, desprate, deceived.

Am I alone in this? Is his desire to dress as a woman more important than our relationship? should I accept that and move on… this sucks.

I posted it here because I want CDs to see it. I hear CDs bemoan the fact that they don’t have an accepting, supportive woman in their lives, and yet time after time, I see posts and emails like this from accepting, supportive women.

I’m sure a lot of people would just write it off as ‘gender euphoria’ or ‘being lost in the pink fog’ but I think that makes it the partner’s problem, something she should ‘wait through’ – letting ‘boys be boys,’ as it were, in the meantime. Some of you, no doubt, will say to yourselves, “Well if I had an accepting wife I’d never treat her that way” but then – why does it seem to happen so often?

Unfortunately, sometimes an email like this is followed up a few months later by the “Now he says he needs to be a woman!” email, too.

I wanted people to see this, so simply put, so heartfelt, so dejected, because these feelings are so typical of the kind of pain I see partners in, and the kind of pain I’ve felt myself. You give your CD partner some room to be himself sexually, to relieve himself of the shame and guilt he’s suffered with all his life, and for a ‘thank you’ you get neglect, a partner who seems more interested in ‘her’ than you, and an assumption that his crossdressing actually turns you on.

Pah. I’m never sure what to say, either, – especially if after I ask if she’s talked to him about it, she says “Yes, I have, in no uncertain terms.” Then what? A 2′ x 4’?!

* Jack is not his real name.

3 Comments on Typical? Yes.

  1. greengoddess says:

    i’ve found myself in a similar situation. i met my guyfriend 2 yrs ago on line and felt like i was finally with my soulmate. he’s very spiritual, deep, loving and the one person whom i can speak with who has known the correct things to say to me – meaning that his words resonate to me. he hasn’t been able to completely commit, since he’d already been through 2 marriages, i gave him space here.

    then sometime last winter, i’m not sure even if i suggested it or he, a pair of my silky sexy panties made it on his body. he immediately vibed how incredibly good they felt on and how hot he felt with them. in short time he then tried on my negligee which turned him on even more. by the end of spring he told me he was a tv. he’d bought some women’s lingere and shoes, makeup, etc for himself. although deeply shocked, i supported him through what this then meant to him. a few weeks later he expressed his great desire to get out dressed. we drove over an hour away and took a hotel room. he dressed up incredibly sexy and we walked over. actually, when it was time to leave our hotel room i couldn’t get the emotional strength to go with him, so he took the elevator down by himself and i met up with him a block away, just outside the gay bar/club. we had a wonderful time. most people were incredibly friendly and we danced all night. he loved the attention the women gave him.

    we went out several more times, closer to home, finding most people hugely accepting and outgoing. not to long after this i descovered he still had up a profile as a single guy w/ quite a list of sexual preferences. i asked him about this and he lied, telling me it was an old site and that he couldn’t shut it down or his ‘name’ could get taken. i guess i didn’t want to deal with the implications, i intuitively knew he wasn’t being honest w/ me but let it go.

    i noticed he was spending a lot of time on line checking out cd/alt sites and emailing w/ others. i started getting concerned because it appeared to me that his emphasis on living his day/evening became focused on connecting w/ these like-minded people. about 3 weeks ago, in my gut, i felt that it became time to question him about this focus. i also felt the need to remind him of my need for a monogamous relationship. then my world fell apart because he told me that he FELT there was ‘something else out there’ and that being w/ me ‘he wasn’t walking around w/ a smile on his face’. (he gets a huge permanent smile on his face when he’s dressed.) he also said he needs to know what he is about, that he doesn’t know ‘who he is’. he said he feels like he’s bisexual and how can he be bisexual and in a relationship w/ me? where was i left? because i started it, now this was out in the open. of course, if it was coming at some other point down the road, it was probably better earlier that later.

    even knowing this, i feel devastated. when we saw each other last week, the first time since that talk, my words poured out of me straight from my heart. i told him how much i loved him and that though i really felt i was of the monogamous type, i believed in him, and would support him no matter what. his chin started trembling and then he cried and sobbed. when he tried to stop, he couldn’t. i held him and kissed his neck and face for over an hour. he finally had to leave due to the late hour, his tears still uncontrollable.

    yesterday i told him i’d go out w/ him this weekend if he wanted. turns out he went out by himself, dressed, last weekend, last night, and was headed back to the same club tonight. he said he wanted to go alone. that he didn’t want me there. after all, how was he supposed to figure out who he was if i was ‘in the way’ (my words).

    this really ripped into me hard. i have a strong faith, always have, yet this is so tough… i know i have to be true to myself. i just felt so left out, also because i had a great time out w/ him and now he didn’t want me there. he went on to tell me how never in his life had so many women come up to him, one girl danced up to him and kissed him on his cheek. i feel part of this is his ego taking over. it was horrible having him be so jolly the whole conversation. i don’t think i’ve felt this badly since i was a teenager and feeling so alone.

    it helped to read ‘bait and switch’s email which you had posted. thanks.

  2. melissa says:

    OH NO!!!! She’s not going to rant again, is she??

    Actually, I’m not going to rant. I was reading Helen Boyd’s blog, ( My Husband Betty ) and she was talking about how the wife of every CD needs to know that some CDs transition, that they sometimes decide that they are really transexual, and ultimately become women.

    The question that sticks with me is “Why do CDs rush to reassure their wives that CDs don’t transition?”

    I think the answer is fear. As someone not involved with anyone, I think I can propose this answer. If I were involved with a woman, and I told her that there was even a 1 in 10,000 chance that one day I would find that I needed to transition, would she stick around?? Would she spend the rest of our lives looking for that sign that I was going from CD to TS?? How would that effect our relationship, for one partner to always be looking for the signal that disaster was about to strike?? For that person to always be on their guard, always wondering if the relationship was going to come to an end?? To always be leaving a way to escape?? To always make sure that there was a parachute within reach, so they could bail safely??

    Putting that warning out will mean that the relationship will always be on rocky ground, because there will always be one partner reluctant to make a commitment that could result in heartbreak at some point in the future. I would be one of those that would be making the assurances. Because I would be afraid that without that assurance, she would never commit herself fully to our life together. She would always be keeping one eye on the exit, just in case.

    I lost a relationship with a wonderful woman over my dressing, over the part where I wanted to be more fem than male. I was not looking to transition. The time that we had together was also the time that I could be fem, and those things could not be combined. I could be fem at any other time. Well, except for the time at work. Except for the time with my children. She was OK with my going to the monthly TG support group meeting, but she was not OK with my being out on a regular basis otherwise. You know, going to the grocery store, the mall, the local big-box. She fell in love with a man, and she wanted me to be that man. I don’t blame her. I sometimes don’t fully understand. She was the one that helped me come out. She was my coach, my fashion consultant, my mentor. She was a role model that I held up for myself as well as for my young daughter. I think she wanted that assurance, and I think that she saw my actions as heading in the transitional direction. Its two years ago that we broke up. There has not been anyone else. I’m not saving myself, I have just come to the conclusion that being trans and being in a relationship with a woman are mutually exclusive things. I have not transitioned. I’m not planning to. I have a few days a week that I can be the woman that I am, and I revel in them. I hope she understands that I still love her, wherever she has gone.

    Fear. Mine. Hers.

  3. Jackiemearns says:

    How familiar these stories are. I too met my partner online. 4 years ago. I was in an unhappy and sexually unfulfilling marriage. I had always had a “thing” for TVs so went looking for one. Before I met my partner, Zoe, at some point in every relationship I had had up untill then I had suggested that the guy I was with dressed up before making love (talk about repressed lesbian tendancies LOL) Of course, they would try it once, maybe twice and then it would become apparent that they werent really into it so I put it back in the box so to speak. Anyways, so I met Zoe. The sex was incredible, everything I had ever dreamed and fantasised of. She was/is really into forced feminisation, which to be honest I didnt have a clue how to “do” and so felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Eventually the constant demands to be dominated faded away and I was happier with a more gentle sensual type of sex. Thats not to say we didnt indulge in some roleplay ,including acting out scenarios which was great fun. Then I found out she was scouring the internet looking for “a woman of any gender for friendship leading to ltr with a view to complete feminisation or being forced to live as a shemale” (shemales are another obsession of hers). I was devastated, particularly as I had lost my home, my husband and custody of my young children over my affair. A confrotation ensued and promises made……Of course I have found out time and time again that she STILL seeks sexual contact with others. I just cant accept this as I am at heart a one girl girl. The thought of sharing makes me sad beyond words and I would rather be alone than have to live with that. I reckon that, like most males, Zoe is able to compartmentalise her life, and she probably thinks that what I dont know wont hurt me. The trust has gone and along with it a lot of the love. I used to feel so special and privilaged that this person had let me into their deepest and most personal corner of their life and this sort of spilled over/coloured the “love”. Now I know that I could have been any one. It isnt me that is special. Im just a prop in someone elses fantasy. A very telling indication of this is her almost total lack of interest in what I look like or wear any more. Its all about Zoe. When we go out, hours are spent looking for clothes, fussing and fretting, etc. I have to do her make up as she says she gets too stressed to do a good job, and between that, helping to shave bits she cant reach, finding lost underwear, ironing skirts, etc, I have about ten minutes left for myself to drag something on and get going. I feel like I could wear a sack and she wouldnt notice. Like the other postee, when we first got together I felt so sexy and desired and now I feel lonely and surplus to requirements. Zoe is now having laser hair removal, taking hormones and developing breasts. I have to laugh though when she insists these are for my benefit(!?) as she “knows” it turns me on. Ok, so its a bit kinky to have a partner with breasts, but its not the be all and end all. She has spent thousands and thousands of pounds on treatments, clothes, make-up, etc and as Christmas approaches, all I hear is endless prattle about what she is going to buy to wear for the festive season. Im struggling to pay the rent, buy food for the holidays and presents for my children – all that doesnt even make a blip on her radar. Once again I will be left to deal with the practicalities while Zoe drifts around in TV lala land.
    Im really sorry if this has turned into a poor me story, but I just hope that stories like mine and others will ring some alarm bells in the recesses of a few TVs minds before they totally destroy a relationship and someone who loves them.

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